through the windscreen



the rain finally came in chennai. it was quite a day. business was down and the weather was beautiful. sometime during the day, i had some tea someplace and it all felt good. then i had to get back to work!

things are always like that. its all good till the next moment.
the yellow autos and the rain on the glass and on me will always remain as a striking memory within me. something about the freshness about that day has cut deep. especially since in chennai you dont get too many of those kind of days!

to the end of something




a letter putting everything in words
anger, hate, disgust for the love
somethings in life used to have a meaning
now it is like a jaded memory

when i think of all the time we had
it makes me want to shut my eyes and cry
my stomach hurts and my shoulders shake
in anger and in hate.

he was thinking it could end somehow
in another country and in another place
the world is small and the people think the same
there is no possibility for all that is not plain

its not what you think that counts
not the silent looks and the countless thoughts
its someone else who thinks for you
its the world around which decides for you

sad, isint it?
that it should get washed like this
just because you became rational
and believed that the whole world thinks like that same asshole

delve deeper into your mind
and perhaps the true nature of things might be found
that all that is not right is always not wrong.
but this thought buried will not even get flowers
because you have moved away from this memory
to create another sweet story.

light and shadows

waiting to be filled

candyfloss

above the beach

motion in plastic

Big Yellow (taxi?)

cameras and action

saturday at work

73, armenian street

what to write?

sometime has gone by since i wrote last. as always i am again at a quandary over what to write. i have been very busy at work, which has intruigingly affected the gathering of knowledge or issues that i would have liked to do. instead, i find that i have learnt nothing about anything. it is quite depressing, that in the pursuit of making money, we end up not learning anything that interests us. most of the time, it is mere survival and instinct that gets us through. not some new thought or the application of a new idea.

sometimes i wonder if all life had to offer were the formative years and that now is perhaps payback time! the only way to avoid that situation is to ensure that your formative years continue for ever or something like that...through studies, or through adventure (whatever that means) and so on. this post if pretty pointless. let me cut here.

flattened flowers on a tar road

almost every day on the road i see crushed flowers of so many colours. walked over, run over, stamped over. but initially, thrown over the cart which is at the head of a procession carrying a body on its final journey. and once the body has passed, the flowers colouring up the road are a testimonial to life's passing. and as further proof, life actually passes over those flowers, and they become part of the tyres and the houses and the streets where those tyres go. soon, the perfume and the colour of death passes into every house in the entire city. whatever after all is on the road, must reach somewhere.

never tomorrow

the world is today, isint it?

there is never tomorrow. over the last few days, i have been working a lot. till late in the night and the whole day the next. somehow, watching a movie mid week seems like a good idea to break the routine. what good does that do? not much, actually. it just makes me feel a little bit more alive. like there is something else to my life than just my work. everybody needs something, dont they?

i need to do other things too. like learn the guitar. read some more. i am not doing all that these days. i wish i could. i will actually.

work life balance is such a hollow concept sometimes. because of its impracticality. what do you go after? the money, the fame, or after what you want to do? in my case, learn, listen to music, expericne the world. so many things.

we all wish the world to happen to us. but i am trying for a few pinches of salt.

BULLA KI JANA

bulla ki jaana is now definetly one of the best songs written. that, inspite of it having being written in the 12th century. sometimes, it takes a long time for someone to get famous.

my father had an interesting interpretation of the song. its actually in the first person. and it is god singing to bulla, you dont know who i am. i am so many things. and so on. i think that is probably true. rather than it being bulla singing about himself, which seems to be version the video gives out.

hey, rabbi, what do you think.

i also found some other poems of bulla sheah. some of them are agonizingly beautiful. do check them out.

for random visitors, bulla sheah was a 12th century sufi saint who wrote a number of songs with love and god as the central theme. recently, in india, a 21st century sikh musician called rabbi shergill did a cover version of one of bulla's songs. that song is now the chart hitting track accross the entire country.

FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS



i saw this movie over a year ago at home. it raised johnny depp's status in my eyes more than a few notches. something about he delivery of his acting is unparelleled even in hollywood. if anyone can close to being a nut like him in any other move is probably brad pitt in twelve monkeys, another absoloutely incredible movie.

i was reminded of depp and fear and loathing from this post, which i got to by clicking on the 'next blog' bar at the top. something i suggest everybody should do.

for, and here i unquote, it is not the things that you search for which are the most interesting, rather, it are the things which search you which are the most.

SERENITY



the net's unique ability to excite continues. sometimes, once i come back home, i like to browse through to some of the sites which are apolitical, uncontroversial, and dont involve the words iraq, the US, iran, politics and the like.

the website with this image and others like this are here.

this ad here

this italian ad brought back memories of the time i read gandhi ji's entire autobigraphy in class 7th. the entire series was in the kendriya vidhyalaya i studied in and was printed in sevagram, sometime in the 1970's. it was quite wonderful to read all that his mind held.

today, there is a feeling of betrayal sometimes, to that kind of thought. one that is possbile, yet elusive. the achievable dream.

perhaps just like everyone else, i should try out the big bad world first before thinking of this path as the dead damm wrong one! i wish to err first, not later.

dont take D cold

Over the course of a conversation i got to know that paras pharma's drug 'D Cold' has the drug Phenylpropanolamine (PPA). i got some info on the drug from the govt. of singapore's health dept. site. Which had something quite serious to say.

Phenylpropanolamine (PPA) is a nasal decongestant and is a common ingredient found in many cough and cold medicines.

Since November 2000, all medicinal products containing PPA have been withdrawn from sale or reformulated to be without PPA in Singapore. This is a precautionary measure to protect public health and safety and taken in relation to a study published by the Yale University in the United States.

I catch a cold quite often and have taken an entire course of D Cold over a few days. To know that in the process I have been exposing myself to the risk of a stroke is not a comfortable thought. Especially when the Singapore website says that drugs without PPA formulations have replaced the ones with it. I don’t understand why that same process hasn’t happened in India. D Cold as a drug is fairly popular in India and most people take it without it being prescribed by the doctor.

Please stop taking D Cold or any other drug with PPA immediately. What with so many things killing us these days, one more is hardly necessary.

State of mind



exit stage left got me onto rush and made me listen to frank zappa (which i dident like at all). i just went to his blog and it isint updated since the last time i saw it. more than a year ago. a sudden thing. for me. like a disappearence.

gorgeous writes though. but the tone has changed. its not the same as earlier. i hope everything is right.

so often, our blogs and the websites and emails and the photos we take mirror what our mind is going through. it is almost scary. that a mind can suddenly become so public. that writing about going to the shopping mall can be so different depending on the particular phase of our lives.

i am like that image right now. just connected words. needing all the help science and tradition can provide.

more than anything else in this world, its the ability to enjoy our lives under the greatest adversity that transforms a mans vision into insight. it gives us the look of a man who cannot be affected by anything.

in the meantime, where is my madira?!

To Kill The Child

2 new singles by roger waters. he's saying the same thing that most of the world is saying.

hey, america, listen!

iranian theocracy being destroyed by its students

what is the meaning of information?

is it about an idealogy, or is it an opinion?

for if it is an opinion, then the facts dont matter. the truth is, just as in this case above, where the theocracy in iran is being destroyed by its own students. the same students who are being given the support of the US in case they have an uprising. it is so blatantly ironic that the world's largest country needs to give support to the students in another nation to rise against its own government for its own selfish interests. its all about oil after all. or another one or two things. the dollar rates against the euro. israel. control over the middle east. either way, it aims at establishing US political authority over sovereign nations.

check out this excerpt below, which talks about US support to iran for a very long time. and do check the link.

Mohammed Reza Pahlavi, Shah of Iran, began his reign in 1941, succeeding his father, Reza Khan, to the throne. In a 1953 power struggle with his prime minister, the Shah gained American support to prevent nationalization of Iran's oil industry. In return for assuring the U.S. a steady supply of oil, the Shah received economic and military aid from eight American presidents.......

the news is quite genuine i think.

some points:

• the ayotollah came into power on the strength of a popular uprising.
• the shah was spending oil dollars (obtained because of a strong demand from the US) to purchase weapons (again, from the US) , therefore, in effect not spending any money on developing iran as a nation! money comes from the US for oil and goes back to them as payment for weapons!
• i think there is a distortion on the storming of the embassy. it seems to be incited because of the return of the shah, a guy not very popular in iran.

the objective of this piece is to give another perspective to the very beautiful image of a pencil breaking the iranian theocratic sword. i have a lot of respect for the cox anf forcum cartoons. however, i have no respect for people who pursue a particular line of thinking just because the majority or government policy thinks so.

hang up

The Supreme Court today issued notices to mobile firms and private banks on a public interest petition alleging that they were providing........

this article in the business standard has a little more relevance to me than usual since I work for a very large MNC bank. my bank also happens to indulge in such practices time to time. clamping down on cell phone cold calls will have a direct impact on business. from the bank's perspective, this operation is defended on the basis of customer reach and competetive pressures. however, for the customer, it is nothing but a string of calls from unknown people trying to sell a million products. the ideal thing to do would be to maintain a directory similar to the one in the US which has people segregated according to their preferences on getting calls from commercial establishments. that system however, would be sifficult to put in place in india, and would be horrible difficult to monitor. what could however be done is to allow calls only to numbers available through directories (which are defined!) and through references.

during a discussion between us at the bank, there was talk about setting up of a credit bureau in the country (India). The conclusion was that it wouldn't be set up till we don't have a single unique number For each citizen in the country. Like the social security number in the US. We over here have a different passport number, seperate PAN nos., election cards (with no numbers!) , ration cards and inexplicable other cards.

ofcourse, the entire debate of whether the country needs to uniformly encode its citizens is another discussion all together. a very relevant and interesting one at that.

in the same light, I was also thinking about why India does not have a single phone number across all cellular service providers. It would increase customer choice which is limited at present due to his inflexibility in losing his old number. However, having a single number across networks would definitely make the telecom market in the country a fun place to watch!

tomorrow i will start a series on my earlier company! some things that they could do to imporove (but they wont!), inspite of being the largest company in the sector in this country. i will tell you that precisely due of that reason, they will be unable to maintain competetive edge over the next few years.

a woman, a man with a large white bag and an invalid man.

this was the scene i saw this morning on my way to someplace. they were collected together because a bus had broken down and they were the only 3 people unable to move on. obviously waiting for another means of transport to come their way. it was almost a movie scene, perhaps even the starting of something like yuva. intercrossing lives and all that. it would have been interesting had this happened on a country road rather than in the heart of the city. eaither way, it was an interesting site. flat tyre, a woman sitting on the pavement with her hand to her head. a man on this crutches looking onto the coming traffic, and a labourer with his huge white bag of something, sitting whiling away the time without a care.

B B Shah

a few days back i bought a pair of contact lenses from BB Shah at spencer plaza in chennai. within a week, one of contact lenses tore during the night due to some reason. i had cleaned and kept them through the night as usual in the solution. however the next morning had one of them torn. i went to BB Shah to get them changed. on a previous occasion in mumbai, the optician exchanged the contact lens without any problem. here, however, i was asked to pay rs. 600 for the new lens. when i explained that it was probably old stock or there must have been some problem with the lens, the shop owner haggled with me and agreed to pay rs. 300 if i paid the rest of the 300!

i really dident have any choice and had to pay up. on top of that, the new lens that i got wasnt the same size as what the other one was.

what really got me worked up was:

• as a shop, BB Shah did not wish to take any responsibility for the products it sold, irrespective of what the manufacturing company's policy on such products is.
• it did not matter to them what a single customer's opinion is about the shop, as long as that customer isint going public or isint able to.
• the most disturbing fact was the attitude of the owner to share costs on a product which i had already paid for. from my perspective, i was essentially buying the same product twice.
  

all this is interesting because in other parts of the world (say the US and europe), customer centricity is tantamount to survival. here, with few making any efforts to ensure customer retention through service, there are high chances of them being over run by large experienced retailers who will gobble up market share and the cutomers.

often, service from small shops is what prevents consumers from venturing into cheaper discount stores. however, this kind of attitude does not leave any reason to stay with the smaller shop. a sad situation for the small shopkeeper and the consumer both.

the game call of duty has me hooked and in awe of computer graphics technology. its based on the ravoc engine so realism is total! the physics and the ai of the enemies are very close to what could be experienced in real life.

i think it should be made mandatory for every 6th standard (and above) students. by the time they finish this (and the expansion pack) they will be experts on the II world war. a piece of knowledge always useful anywhere in the world.

what i need to do now it buy a new 3gig AMD processor. that should happen sometime next month. :)

B L A C K

the movie's review can be read here.

on the way back home, my parents were discussing about what the movie kind of taught. i thought it taught responsibility. the kind of responsibility it takes to take care of individuals. my parents thought it made them realize how lucky we are to have all our senses and whatever else god gave us. i think they denote 2 different perspectives on life.

i dont think i have to review the movie since it has been dealt with to almost death. the one thing which really struck me though was the excellent cinematography. something i have almost never seen in any indian movie before. if at all, perhaps the closest use of shadows and light before this was probably in the movie pyaasa, by guru dutt. even that, wasnt as good as black.

this is a winner, yessir!

iraqis voting- what does this mean?

this image was at res republica. it was about iraqis voting successfully. somehow the image to me shows a lot of voters showing their fingers to be cut off....with red marking the spot.

it bears more resemblance to the 'democratic process' in iraq. in todays state of the union address by the US prez, he was talking about giving support to any democratic process shaping up in iran. at some level, americans need to realize that cultures and countries should not be bought to a common denominator. in this case, the democratic process. what use is an imposed democracy?

the democratic process of governance is only one way to govern. what matters is the choice to decide the manner of governance. that choice rests with the people of the country and not with another country.

one of the first things i am doing after getting onto the net is familiarizing myself with firefox. its a very neat browser and a lot of you must be using it. however, dont use it wothout the mouse gestures extension. and the load in ie extensions which comes in handy whenever firefox is unable to open a page (all because some punks who designed those websites dident want it to anyway!)

its free like music and movies on the internet, and is definetly much better than good ol ie.

one other thing....why the hell isint edonkey connecting?!

the net and the insanity of connectivity is pulling me in. even when i have nothing to look for, there is something to see, like this fotog, or fotolog as yeyang calls it. the colours are just amazing.

back at home. charting a different path. hope things work out fine.

in another few days, ater my brother returns to the US, i am going to blog much more. there are some interesting things i want to talk about.

so check this place next week.

the times they are a changing

i at no point in my life imagined that this blog could become something that could connect me to work. note the 2 could's. dosent auger well. the truth is, that would be quite something.

on another note, the trouble with tv is the lack of physical activity. perhaps if there was holographic tv, perhaps watchable by only one person, the programmed one, then it would mean some more exercise. but hell, nobody is going to put that kind of money into something just because I want to watch tv and exercise.

you have to make a choice at some point.

i have over the last 2 weeks, heard of more broken marriages and couples than in the last 24 years of my short life. and this is of people in my same age group. flesh and blood, so to speak.

i want to know what you think about the following things:

1. if both parties in a relationship have honesty between them, than anhything is ok?- casual sex, relationships, not-going-to-marry but still want to go around kinda relationships? whats the line, kit kat.

tell me that?

2. what is morally better (both might be morally wrong-but which is better?)- to be in a relationship knowing that you wont marry or continue it for ever, or casual sex? one night stands, that kind of thing?

in the world that we are living in ( not that it has changed or anything- its just that we are now living in it-so it looks changed to us, since we are coming from somewhere else!), options get limited all the time by incorrect choices we make, or by allowing too many choices. dont know if that makes sense.

the second part draws from 1984. freedom is slavery. the first one if clear.

do you believe in god? and all those fairy tales?
or is it the morning rush? the traffic and the smoke.
will you do soemthing different in your life?
or is what you are doing right now already different from earlier?

what is the parameter for success in life?
do you ever get to set it?
and hey, on the way, are you still walking the same road?

maktub

it is so. there are many words in many languages explaining that word. but not many of us really understand it. at some point in our lives, i would like to understand, appreciate and act on something. rather than do only one thing at any given time.

i saw the new edition of nimbus. it looks beautiful. the white goes well with the black of last year. i hope it never turns grey.

i see an image of a glass of orange juice. somehow, it could contain the route to my salvation.

does anybody think that i should let everything go and take time off for a few months. go around the country in the train with my camera, and then join a phd program in economics in the US? leave a job. a started career(1.5 yrs old)? lots of things dear to my heart?

i have no idea where to start, and where to stop. but strangely, i am not worried at all. these are calm days. i hope the storm has already passed.

part of the city palace, jaipur. tons of pigeons also

my elder brother, age quite young.

the morning sun and fishing nets at baga

shivam and me at colva beach, goa

birds and the sunset at arambol, goa

sunrise on baga beach, goa again!

sunset on baga beach, goa

baga beach, goa. flame dancer

HAPPY DIWALI TO EVERYBODY

MAY THE NEXT YEAR BE LIKE THE SPARKLES IN THE SKY,
JUST, BURNING FOREVER.

applegeeks

some kind of power

the world is just moving towards a destination
i am staying behind sitting on my side
the tv is on, and some song is playing
the worst bit is, i want the tv off.

my world is sometimes reduced to a room
and mountains and the tigers dont exist
talking to someone new is such a crazyily good thing
but it happens lesser and leseer now.

the world is starting to bore me
not because i am fast but cause it just too slow
something new has to happen soon
or i will be old

guitar is electricity

my guitar is giving out electricity....now, i am too young and too infamous to get electrocuted by my guitar, so if somebody has any answers, pls let me know.

its sad that this is happening...since i only some time back decided to getting back to playing it more regulalrly....and well, then it gives me the zings.
what ze hell.

i watched kill bill 2 last night....hritik roshan and his wife were also there, watching the movie. but the movie itself, was disappointing.
i think the only sequel ever made which is better than the first part is terminator 2. none other. maybe the aliens series as well. but every other movie, has fallen short. i think sequels need to be the next movie. not the next episode. a thin line of connection is enough. apart fromt that, nothing else.

it has to, like any other movie give a fresh idea. more so, infact. that i think makes a good sequel.

there were some amazing moments in KB 2. but somehow, the movie has become the directors private romance with movies and in the process, has not delivered itslef to the audience. perhaps, tarantino dosent really bother about the audience anymore...maybe it is about him. in which case, its just fine.

to rite in a hurried manner is to not rite at all. that is what they say. as i am on the eve of watching kill bill 2 with soem friends and the super boss of the company, i cant but wonder why i am getting obsessed with jap stuff. is it the girls, or the language, or the gore? tell me, o learned one. or is it the mind control, or the calmness of japan. or is it just the myth of the whole thing?

myths are important arent they?

i grow heavy, in heart and body.
i grow ideas, that become bigger than me.
i shed my mind, without forming another one.
a cloud of smoke surrounds me, making everything hazy.
the beauty of time is in its passing.
making the past precious day after day.
looking over the mountaintop is the luxury i am not having anymore.
the eagle is now only able to walk.

but it longs to fly.

parents

i think my parents are the damm best in the world....!

a lot of times, they think that we dont really think about them and that we dont appreciate what we are today, but the truth is, that feeling of being indebted for many lives is something i have only for my parents.

a lot of times, i have spoken to my friends about how much they mean to us and how much we mean to them. i think i have my parents figured out, and they are just the coolest people on the planet.

my mother is intelligent, calm and very insightful. she can read me and mu bro like a book and still let us have the day, cause we are after all, just kids!

my dad is quite a genius. hes also very calm, very knowledgeable, has stood by his principles against so many odds and has a really wonderful smile. he likes to play with us and the best times i have ever had have been with him.

its just wonderful having them in my life. fills me up you know. with emotion, with pride and lot of respect.

i needed to say this, thats all.

hey, mom dad, no comments on this one! ok?!! haha!

the world according to gripe

life is bad, the sea is rough
and the earth is shaking my lonely bed.
forests conspire and paper deliver
every coffee is made on a pyre
reasons are there, and the threats remain
sometimes i have to be wary, of that very thing
soon enough, the bread arrives
leaves me thinking of all the bad vibes
the jeep swerves, misses the cow
somewhere a man is shot, for not looking out
bombs explode, the earth shakes
it morning again, as my twin alarms make

look out, look out, there is a storm approaching
the sea turned black, and covered the skies
there are no birds and the spray is in my face
whenever the boat rolls, i am looking at solid granite
rolls of rain, hit the boat all the time
we are thinking what an exciting fun thing
it could have snapped, or i could have died
but i was collecting stories
for split second awes
exxagerated imagery and the movies we see
make a life threatening storm, just another coffee table story

searching for the meaning of it all

it is easy to lose oneself in this world. to not have an idea anymore of what you had set out to be. something that is not related to work or to what you want to achieve, but to what are called principles and belief. its easy to not miss them go away. its also very easy to find them too. but its difficult to let go of everything else.

my life has come to a stage where i am trying to decide what is the meaning of where i am heading. the current direction takes me on a road towards something i have not imagined myself on being. so, ofcourse, it is scary to realize that i am on the wrong road, and most of all, for onw big reason. that i dident find any other road. i guess i will have to make one meself. i have these days, however, become so tired to my own idealism that it is slowly becoming just hollow words. being an idealist will not help me at all. there have to some changes. i hope i am able to make them.

wish me luck, and keep seeing this place. if things go as i wish them to, then i might be typing here more often.

saw the map today

in a related incident, i saw the map of the north east and i then realized that my earlier claims of having visited itanagar and thus, one of the easternmost points in the country can now be revised to my current destination. it is so close to the border, that i get goospimples.

we(my collegue)-mind the spelling, and i started thinking about how it must be for the states even down under, tripura and mizoram, which are connected to the country only thru assam, which itself is pretty much cut-off.

we stopped near some tea gardens on the way to one of the industrial sites we were going to, and there were women picking tea over there. somehow, i think we have romanticized the whole thing. there isint anything very great about people picking tea. sure, they have baskets on the head and all that, but hell, they are just normal women.

apart from that, there was a red alert sounded a few days back in this area. the army has been reinforced and there is going to be a flushing of the militants in the area. (somehow, i am not at all comfortable with the word flushing). the militants, mainly the ULFA, have lately resorted to extortion from the tea gardens, rich merchants and the like to get along. rumour has it that the local commander of the ULFA has over rs.500 crores from such activites. you can raise a decent militia in that amount. but nobody is really bothered. now, however, the govt. is taking action and wants to close the chapter on these chaps. whose wrong and who is right, is anybody's guess, but i guess you just have to align yourself to what the media says, what?!

from the tip of assam

i hadnt realised that we are actually on the very tip of assam, and of the country. burma is not very far from here....

that does not mean guns, or border stories or stuff like that. it just is near the border thats all.

there are terrorists though, and it is something you cant forget here.....it is important to stay careful.

thats the situation. as always, i have lots of time to think and to mull. and that is a bad situation. not having to think gives me enough time to forget. but if time is at hand all the time, then how to forget?

hope things change double quick fast.
i keep thinking about dosas, and quick gun murugan, and cards with things written on it. pizzas, and italian food. things and other things.
music and video. shops and pretty girls. red dresses and white ones. jeans and shorts. things and thangs.

again from assam. or still from assam.

tea gardens never looked so good. over here, there is a lot of space, and most of it is green. its amazing how the sky here is blue and black and the earth is green all the time. its very beautiful. sleeping alone, the rain falling outside is very comforting. a steady downpour which makes the morning shine.

under all this, however, there is the compelling presence of the ULFA. the united liberation front of assam. driven from lower assam areas, they have set up base in these regions and mainly kidnap people for extortion. it is said that one of the commanders in this area has over 300 crores of rupees. mindboggling isint it?

there is constant danger. if you slip up, you lose your life. this isint something bombay prepares you for.

the beauty of this place almost makes you forget about that though. almost.

i have had some weird thoughts here. of writing. something i have been putting of for such a long time. of reading, which i am doing. i am also playing need for porsche on the laptop, and watching some hindi movies off and on. i hire them from the local shops. i am here till the 9th of july and might come back sometime later for some more days. but the strict pattern of this place gets to you. sunrise is at 4am, and it becomes quite dark by 5pm. work is from 7-3pm. and inbetween, lunch breaks and siesta times.

i still havent gotten over my past. its staying with me all the time. i have to push it away for it to go away. but it comes back, you know.
time for myself is something i had though i wouldnt have and thats why all this work, but here, while the rain falls, i think about the last couple of years and how things are going on now, and its strange. there is no pattern. its like i love punishing myself. not a good thing.

off to assam

i am going to a place called dublijan in assam for 3 weeks. there are huge oil wells over there, and i am going there to seel some our products to people working there.
seems a little weird when i say it like that. i never thought i would be selling anything.

either way, it should be a good experience. after bombay, i think it will be a very different pace, and beyond that, i hope we get something out of that place. lets see.
it is raining in india, almost the whole of it, and the feel is really good. it is beautiful and windy. i guess people in western countries dont really understand the concept of rain as a good thing. something that beats the heat and makes the earth smell good. the air is cleaner, and the roads glisten. thats not so bad.

i guess dublijan, being in assam, will be pouring. i have seen rain in guwahati and just when it starts raining, it looks like a solid sheet of water racing towards you from 10 kms away, and then crossing you and going on ahead. fun times would be being at the exact rain beginning point. one step to the left and there is heavy rain, and one step to the right, and it is dry like a dead leaf. funny aint it.
its fun too.

again, i visit my blog

this time, almost like a guest. i feel like that myself. i had come on the net somedays back oo, but forgot to even open the blog up. i wonder why anyone else would?
in any cas,e any hits these days would be just those accidental google hits. when someone wants to know about something and the word is here. hell. maybe to increase my hit rate, i should just put the dictionary here!

its not about hit rates is it? its about life and all that goes on in it. and then you hope that it is interesting enough to make people want to come back here again and again. not a bad reason to lead an interesting life. to fill up a blog.

as time is going on, i am finding myself reading the fiscal policy minutely and understanding rates and politics more than touching my guitar or reading pico iyer. i dont like that. i think i need to have both in good quantities. my quality of life definition requires equal quantities of guitars and RBI governers.
life, in its cruel manifestation, goes on!

i just love these kinds of lines: those with life,......, goes on types. with all kind of things occupying the dots inbetween.

like:

life,without a second thought, goes on
life,in its splendid obscurity, goes on
life,without any pity, goes on
life, relentlessly, goes on
life, for once, goes on
life, like always, goes on
life, just, goes on

you know, there are a million words trying to occupy the dotted space.
you fill the dots, or does someone else do that?

hastalavista (baby?!)

hi again

i almost have become a visitor to my own blog nowadays.
these days, i have become a visitor to my past, and a spectator to my future. strange, that feels.
i did something yesterday that i am regretting having to do, but something that had to be done to preserve whatever semblence of reality i might have wanted to maintain.

there are these 2 worlds, and i am stuck in a limbo. either of them dont allow me to move towards anything. like some kind of a magnetic force keeping me stuck. unable to comment, commit or move on.

work keeps me busy though. that is something i am trying to cling on to during the day. that and something else also.
other than that, there isint anything new happening around me. just the same things, each day is woken up to a reality which stings. but i hardly feel the sting anymore really.

lets see where all this goes. maybe to a future, or straight into my past.

hey

i dont these days write so much. the thing is, i am not so connected to the outside world, firstly, and the second thing is, i dont know if i have a whole lot of things to write about here anymore. i am finding that as i am increasingly getting into work life over the last one year, i am not able to find time to do those other things that made my life more colourful.

not that i am missing everything too much. i guess if i was, i wouldnt be doing all that i am. but sometimes i find myself wondering about the reasons for this work and for the money that keeps coming in every month end.

is this so that i can sustain myself and keep going back to work, or is for some future which is uncertain and therefore i should work for it? or is it just an incentive for me to not do those things that i want to do. like a bribe to keep myself here. strange thoughts i agree, but something i do think about.

there are, as always, no answers. just all this. as always, as in any post that embarks on an existential thought of mine, i am again at a loss for a conclusion. i wonder why?

reality

it does bite sometime. i am slowly realizing that the things that i am doing are not the things that i want to do for another few months also. this is just not done. i hope someplace or the other, i will be able to move into something which interests me and keeps me going for a long long time. what is going on right now is almost sublime. unreal. hope this is just a phase.

ATHENA

we were at athena last night. the entire group of people from my office. the place is wild. its the coolest disc in the city and we definetly had a lot of fun. the bill came to round about some 20 grand, which the company paid.

we got out at 5am in the morning, and got the morning train back to bandra.
i remain in bandra though for another couple of months. my posting is here.
the place had very cool bose speakers, and the music is mixed by dj akeel. hes pretty famous, i heard. the music was very well mixed. english and hindi, and some punjabi all together. the crowd was fantastic. the women were wonderful (though i dident know anyone there!)

had a very good time.
and to more nights like these.

the horoscope theory

i was talking with a friend about horoscopes. i think there is something very interesting in that. when i started seeing my horoscope initially it never used to match. however, now it does, as i have become more regular. i think thats because now, my life is moulded to my horoscope. atleast, subconsiously. we tend to read it, and then make our lives fit the pattern of the horoscope, thereby making it true which makes us want to believe more and more in it.

so the best thing is to not see them at all. becasue if you are, you are the victim of a control function. an external one influencing your life. a faceless god, in a way.
i guess making patterns for life leads to them ocming true if there is faith. and since there is faith, we believe everything to be true which leads to it becoming true.

isint life just hell?!

hey, i am happy these days!

pico iyer

his book, cuba and the night has a remarkable line. i dont remember it exactly, but its something like this:

when people are not dependable, the one thing to hold onto are principles.

i think i am like that. i have seen in the last one year, that dependability is something unknown in most parts of the world. principles, can be the only guiding star. a good one, at that.

move on, move on.
dont wait for the stars to fall down.
look below, the earth has gone ahead
you're standing on the vacumm inside your head.

i am at work on a sunday, and its not so bad really. its quiet, simple. not like everyday.

the long and winding road

its the end of the road sometimes. this isint one, but sometimes it seems like one.
the abstract nature of my being has become me. life is suddenly without meaning. floating images here and there. without purpose, or thought. everything reminding of the past, or of the future. playing out in my head, sometimes all i can see is myself exactly how i am now, 10 years from here.

thats not good. the same chair, the same wall. just a different place. the same thoughts, and the same eyeball reflecting. the shine which used to be there, i heard had gone out. everytime i try to ressurect it, i am doing something else. till focus snaps in, and reality bites.

the requirements of my life are sometimes things that are so romantic that they appear to be the figment of that romance. somehow, every thought that goes through my head has a theory somewhere about escapism. gradually, all the possibilities appear to be the things that i would like to do but never will get around to. just because they are just those possiblities that people like me try to reach out to. but shouldnt. or so some other theory goes.

a spiral which ends in nothing. one which just comes back to the same place.
what i would like to do, is exit...stage left.

I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee - high
So won't you try to come

Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you

to someone who knows this song all too well. i would like to do this.

pirouette in a red red dress
naked feet and open hair
make believe in my head.

step onto my toes
and we will dance all morn
till your daddy comes home
time for me to snap shut

feel loved say nothing
look into those deep eyes
see hope and fear
the future and the past

love is a hard thing
to get into
to trust someone with your independence

time has gone by.
life has thrown surprises
most of the things i loved are gone someplace
the beauty from my past carries me forward.
hope and fear mirror
my eyes close, to a day long ago
when all on my mind was to reach one place
meet you looking through the door

and have you pirouette in your red red dress.

the pleasures of the past

most of what is written or told is firmly based on the past of the person. humans i think are incapapble of recreating in their minds emotions or events in the same manner as they had happened unless they have a similar experience to bank on. infact, if you read most of what is written, a lot of effort goes into description, or decrypting unique experiences into a language which makes it lucid to a larger population (which might have not gone through those emotions or experinces). perhaps in the process, language and writing is the common denominator and in that sense, diluted. the true essence of an experience in the writers own words, which make sense to him, would probably not be understood by most people. and since the objective of writing is to express and to be read, it makes sense i think to produce uniqueness onto a larger canvas.

why am i discussing this? to bring to the point that writing is a blast from the past. the summation of what we have gone through. things inexpressible in the spoken language. poetry comes closer to reality in that sense. and therefore is harder to understand. i have started liking poetry quite a lot these days. keats has started appealing to me these days. especially when i see the type of stuff he used to write. about birds, and things he saw during the day. about emotions, and stuff. it is interesting.

this has become a largish post. sorry.

E N D

back to the future

it is times like yeaterday that make me understand the kind of person i really am.
a lot of moments in the day yesterday were like a jolt. like somethings that i believed i was not capable of enjoying, and then suddenly discovering those emotions which i love.
it is so different from the jungle i am usually in. alomost like that stream you chance upon. knowing however, that you have to move on after a short rest.

but its all worth it. today, movement and careers have probably destroyed so many things, that sometimes; i am unable to even contemplate the possibilities that have been lost. life's movement ends up breaking up people and the chances of a lifetime. not even being able to understand if there were any chances at all. even.

beauty is an uncomplicated person. not all the time, but when that person is with you. unwound and open, because there are no threats and no competition.

the white dress, and the brown eyes (you do have them?)
the bag and the black heeled shoes
walk, talk eat and sleep
enjoy the world you get to keep.
things will change
you will move
but the vision of you will stay glued
hey, baby, dont stop being you
cause there just aint nothing wrong in the way you move.
oh yeah!

strawberries and limejuice

Lime juice

now i am a true fan of lime juice. i have had lime juice here and there. i present to you the personal lime juice ratings. the best nimboo pani there is in india.

1. the best dang nimboo pani i had was on the trel to ooty in tamilnadu. after climbing for 4 hrs and going up 8000ft, anythign mite taste good you might venture. well, this was the ultimate high(in more ways than one). this nm (nimboo pani) is made by the villagers in a village about 7000ft up. its a place you can only walk into. it was a mixture of salt and sugar and nimboo and pani. and it was just out of the world.

2. anyone living in bombay and using the train will staunchly stand by me when i say the nm at dadar station is par compare. not at all the places, but on platform 1. near the steps, is this shop, and it sells the very best nm money can buy. in fact, it is so good, that he is able to offer it at a premium or one rs. (thereby making it rs.5) and is able to get away with it.

3. here is where they all merge in now. nm at almost all other places are kinda similar.

10000. the nm at tegh bahadur station is the pits(ya, there is such a station in bombay!) there are better ways to die i am told than from intense anger and remorse after drinking that stuff.

you might question about the nm at home. i mean, mom does make it, rite?
welllll....see, that stuff is in such a league of its own. just dont put it on any top then shop then. it just dosent fit.

are you wondering about the strawberries?
i never bought them. though i was thinking that perhaps at some point i mite be able to. but the strawberry thing dident get off even the drawing board. too bad. but like forrest gump says, shit happens.

elvis
chek this site out. i think this is elvis' resting place. the site he has set up from hell. ( i am sure he is there!)

i am going to try and research him. maybe some of you will too.

republished

i did some changes to the blog and have tried to incorporate some of the things that i am. ofcourse, the whole thing is not quite like i have in my mind, but maybe with a little help from anand, i might by able to get it sorted out.
anand, i have already sent you the code, mate.
(i dont know where i am getting the aussi tinge and i dare say its not from watching any cricket, since i dont).

about the previous post in black, well, its one of those things. cause and effect. or maybe affect. however, i taught me a good lesson. ergo sum.
the trek to mahuli is something i really want to do. but lakc of company prevents. if there is someone in bombay who wants to chill out on a sunday, and who's idea of fun is climbing for 6 hrs, let me know here, and we can plan it out!

otherwise, i will have to go alone, with elvis and rush keeping me company. i dont mind that, but its safer with another person, and hell, its more fun.

when was the first time you did something for the last time?

yesterday

the bike by the road

i just saw a bike by the wall which had a no parking sign on it. the bike curiously was amixture of some 5 bikes. it had the engine of an enfield, the front of a yam, and the look of a harley. the best part is the way it was kept and the way it just leaned into the wall. almost like the rebel thing. nonchalant, waiting for you to tell me what to and i wont do that look. (i wanted to hypehnate the whole thing but just do it yourself ok).

i also finished reading a book after a long time. vernon little. there is something inbetween also, but hey, you get the idea rite. the book is irreverant, and the kind of reverse look at the life in the US. sometimes, there is so much contradiction in what different media say about how kids and people are in the US that you really dont know. in a way, this book was about a lot of things that we see to be bad about the US. the media, the government involvement, the run for the money so what if lots of people die, its all entertainment thing that just is so much there in the US.

sorry about the non hypehnated hypehnating sentences. its a take from the book. sometimes, its the best way to express something.

so life is going on
waiting for the next weekends morn
sometimes there isint anything to look forward to
but heck i got something to.
lets see where this goes
the pretty place that i mite go
is in my mind and waiting to show.
its them glasses that are scary
cause you never know when to be wary.

hey, wary rhymes with sari? does it?
dammittodoggonegod.
juskiddingthatsall.

the sion fire

i saw the after effects of the sion fire in the city. it was pretty devastating. the building which bore the brunt is actually a burnt out shell. some people were inside the burnt shops trying to make sense out of some papers and there was even one guy on a landline calling from inside the burnt black shop.

hell is a place on earth.
the place is here.
there, everywhere.
its just not something you want to be near.

no news from radhika?
maybe shes just not read
i dont understand some people
who could be frightened so
that there would be a new shell made

there is nothing worth commenting on the person. she is as anonymous to me as to you. maybe more

the WSF

it was where people from all over the world came. all the space on the walls, on the pipes inbetween dadar and borivali had been taken by the world social forum. it was also called the mumbai resistance, and beat globalization and so on.

i really wanted to hear joseph stigligz. plus, ofcourse, arundhati roy(who had come there i think), and just go there to see everything, feel the heat on globalisation.

but i dident. i dident have anybody to go with. i find it ironically funny that i did not have anybody to go with for a fight on glaobalisation. its more funny, since that just kind of proves that well, friendships and interests still havent been globalised. isint it almost perfect that i wouldnt have anybody to go with on a fight on globalisation. for if i had an entire army, then i would be, in a way, myself globalized. (please excuse the z's and the s' alternating in the big G spelling..its a globaliz(s)ation effect)

its even more funny that a friend of mine's friend are the ones who were organizing the whole razzmatazz. and i got to know that the day the whole thing got over.

one observation that a friend of mine made about this whole thing which stands out is

its funny that all these people who are fighting against globalization are coming from all over the world to do it. in a way, the entire group fighting is itself a globalized group. one which is against(if not for) a one particular cause. exactly the agenda of globalization. that, plus the fact that had it not been for globalization, these people could never have come together here.

what was dissapointing in the entire week that happened here, was that everybody was so busy protesting that nothing really got done. though i believe in protest, haveing an agenda less forum which addresses protest, but does not look at solutions, seemed to me like a huge waste of a lot ot time, effort and minds. perhaps the solutions will come out of the sustained protest.

whatever it was, i missed out on something for which i might just have to go to the other side of the world to see now. and that, is not a bad idea!

gprs(among other things)

my phone over here is trying very hard to get to the internet right here. i dont think it is going to be able to do it though. its still trying though. thats its job.

so i just got back from work. there is something very disconcerting about life in this city. somehow the good and the ugly are so close apart that it is uncomfortable. the biggest problem is that it is very difficult to realize what is ugly and what isint. you look straight ahead into the eyes of people and there is this defeatist look or this victorious look. both of which are just spiralling everybody down. sometimes, it all looks ugly. people taking advantage of other people. left right and centre.

all the ideas lost

through the day, there are so many ideas and thoughts which flow through and just whittle away. there is nothing that i am able to recollect by the end of the day. it seems like a big waste sometimes. some of the stuff is ofcourse, very visual dependant. but i dont carry my camera around. and the one on the phone isint helping since my computer is still a million miles away!

mumbai perhaps presents the best photo op there is in the world. just waiting, for the right angle and the right lens. i have many plans, none of which are working out. like take the 84 bus and go around the city, shooting snaps. or go to places just outside the city, and click away. or go to toto's or club9 or places like that, and do some of that disc photography. the expressions inside those places are probably one of the best. paradoxical expressions for a disc come up. guy and girl getting bored(with all that music), or the angry bartender(thats normal!). stuff. the lights. the mood. smoke. the 'i dont know what i am doing here' look. its all there. waiting for the right chemical.

but i dont do this. see, the sixth artist is right about some of the things. all the things i want to do, and just dont do.

latest book being read- the global soul(pico's)
the eastern stories- joseph conrad
52 weekend breaks from mumbai(!!)

latest chord learnt- G7 (i just know a few)

current music- a mix of rush, floyd and punjabi tadka on TV

another year bites the dust

somehow today, i am more beset with memories than with what lies ahead. the weather in mumbai is great today and there is this cool wind blowing. the world is a nice place today. people are happy and all that. as for me, i have started coping with my past much better than what i thought i would have been capable of. ofcourse, everything is there in front of my eyes like a film before the present, but the funny thing is, the film isint really blocking my view.

i am a 'move on' kind of person i think. i have always moved on. i dont really understand if that is the right thing to do or if that is a sustainable approach. but till now, it hasnt been so bad. or atleast, it is slowly easing off.

i am still not trekking, or listening to music enough. neither am i going around with any body. but there is a calm inside which is probably not going to stay on too long. i am going to start trekking again, and play my guitar more often. i am also going to see more movies, and listen to more music. in that entire space, i will continue to work jobs which make me feel like i am using my mind and seriously pushing it. that is something i like. solving problems. coolly, with death calm.

sang froid.

inconsistency

a blogger needs to have a sense of purpose on the blog. the uncanny look in his mind that allows him to focus on a particular object or discussion on the blog. so that it idnetifies with him.

what do you do however, when the person is not somebody you can identify? an entitiy uncertain of its being, unaware of purpose. infact, devoid of purpose. this person will be unable to relate and connect to a particualr topic for a long enough time since he himself is unable to sustain interest in things around him for long periods of time.

such a person is me. asif...

random thoughts pop into my head all the time. the location or the activity i am involved in do not affect these thoughts. sustenance of interest is another problem. it just dosent happen!
thats why, a lot of time, this place has become a hoopla of all kinds of stuff. moving here and there, but never really pointing anywhere.

i have started reading again. and the guitar sounds good in my headphones(thank god its only me who hears it!)

resolution

there is a theoretical construct for things slowing down at certain occasions. i believe that the brain's effective resolution goes up at times...it is able to see in higher detail. this results obviously in a drop in the effective frame rate. that would explain the slowness of movements sometimes.

comments to this post must be intelligently written.

there are moments when the mind is free.
but only moments yet.

the flow of things

the flow of things
is easy to understand
when the mind is like water
and moving like sand.

the horizon is moving
beneath my very feet
i hold out to stop myself
from falling into the deep.

open your eyes and see for yourself
how curious everybody is
they just want something different
it dosent really mean much.

going into my own vortex
i forget what is real(and not)
moving below or above
it all seems like being stuck.

wait up wait up
you went ahead too soon
its not even the second june
hell, what can i say
give it up and lets gets away

hanging out

i hung out of a train today. it wasnt bad. i was looking inside, so i really dident see how close the ground is to the feet when you have got one of them outside the train!
and i was in first class. so you can imagine how it must be in the other parts of the train. this whole train experience ofcourse pales in comparision to the movie on the left. i saw it on HBO. for all you chennai guys, i actually get to switch off a tv inspite of it showing HBO!

HA!

the heightened state of being
allows the mind to float
and find out what is the meaning
nice and slow.

i really like the song slow by kylie. i think it rocks.

getting low

every once in a while, the low thing hits everybody. for some reason, suddenly you cant put a finger on the reason for which you are going through life. this happens a lot when our lives are just going on, without any untoward incidents. normality is the biggest killer for a person. every once in a while, you need that burst of surprise. one which hits out of nowhere. to make you realise how delicate this normalcy is. but whenever it dosent, we go down to a low. from where getting out is difficult, and it requires will power, some event, to get you out of there.

i am not going through anything like this, but i got thinking about it. thats why i am writing all this. yeasterday, i was talking about the chaos theory and entrophy and how both these concepts form the basis for everything in this universe. just as god and love form the basis in somebody else's perception of the universe. not from the physics point of view, but from the conceptual point of view. its quite something. life.

another rambling post from a high point.

fireworks

we watched fireworks from a terrace. it was quite something actually.
we then went to club9 sometime around 2am for sometime. that was ok. atleast the music was different from what the dj usually plays.

we got back at 4, got up at 2, and then a and i went to buy second hand books from around churchgate. the amount of smut available over there is just unbelievable. i picked up a book on hawaiian guitar chords which was published in 1926!

quite something.
i also picked up an edition of loaded magazine. but only for the ads. i swear.

pls dont go to the site if you are a minor or are not interested in advertising. or not both. just dont go there, ok?!

happy birthday!

to the best brother there can ever be

hey bhai!
warm up the chai
drink it up
and do some gup-shup.
move around the world
and isint it just like how i told

have a great day
and make hay
as you lay.

TIME brother of the year BHAI but really yaar .....

oh-jee, kuch to bollo!

IRAN

the world has gone numb

about 15000 people died yesterday and nobody really cares. i had thought the papers would be all over the 15000 dead in iran, the tragedy in china and the plane crash over benin. the papers just mentioned it all. the bigger deal was sehwag swaggering.
the world has maybe become to political to just understand personal pain and do something about it. its about countries and matches between countries and how many US soldiers got killed today.

i hope someday in the future, people can focus on what happened yesterday and understand that it was such a bad day. for all its worth it, life is so precious.

to the ones who died
i hope they find peace somewhere
for the ones who live on
will forever be in hell within.

sleepless nights

i couldnt sleep last night. for an incredibly long time, i just kept tossing and trying to soothe my head which was aching like mad. it was no. 2 on the top 5 headaches of all time in my life. no. 1 was in guwahati a long time back when i passed out because of the pain. nos. 3-5 are those which dont deserve special mention.

after a point however, i couldnt take it any longer and watched tv instead. not the most ideal thing to do while you have a headache, but there wasnt anything else to do. either that, or all the demons and the good things from the past coming back to you. i prefer tv.
there were occasional shouts and random laughter from outside my room. some people were i guess very yuletidy. i remembered what i was doing last christmas.

there was a party downstairs and lots of girls and guys dancing. we had gone in and said hi and danced a bit and eaten the rum cake a bit and then got back. it dident seem like too much fun. comparitively!

dont ask me what i was doing for new year's last year. that one, is a killer.

i saw the bbc list of the top 100 books. i must have read about the same number that anita has. maybe all of us have read a similar number. makes you think dosent it?

till another day
when the air is clear
let me be by myself
while you are still dear.

the world goes on
but i am still here
it will take me time
but one day i will be the seer.

christmas
i guess almost the entire of the christian world must have used this word atleast once today. just imagine if this word had been the copyright of the vatican. we would have had a new richest guy of the world.
the pope.
i have thought often of some of the things which could have been a gold mine had they been patented and produced only by the inventors.
some obvious things:
toothbrush
toaster
shoelaces
toilet paper(for the developed world)

if you think these things arent patentable, then look at these:
carbonated water
yellow stickey paper

i cant think of a lot more, right now( because of the headache i think);)

oh, i saw(dident talk to him) piyush pandey the other day at a party we had gone to. he was having fun. i dont think i was having too much fun though. its not so great to be going to a place just for the heck of it right? the music if good though.very good.

2

advertising

there is this levi's ad up on the bus board which i really liked. its very clear, simple, and extremely slick looking. i have the picture of it, but i wont be able to upload it since i am not using a dedicated computer.

i have also been listening to zappa(finally!),and i think he is pretty experimental. i dont know if i will like this kind of music, but it depends on the mood, and how much i am willing to experiment. i also got an album of jimmy page, and he is pretty good. that is kind of a given though.

while inbetween trains, i sometimes wonder about a number of opportunites that present for short movies, plays, scenes on the trains. it is quite a lot of fun. infact, right now, i am actually enjoying all the pushing around and the general crowds at all the stations. its not bad at all. especially since i know that this is just a phase. thank god for that ( if there is any).

let god take care of you
if there is any.
let god love you a lot
if there is any.
let god look out for you
if there is any.
let god wait for you at night
if there is any.
'cause the devil's got me
and there isint any god there.

1

the neck is ok, but the pain hasnt gone

there arent many options for someone in pain. i think everywhere, a person has to be in a lot of pain to be able to get any attention. or, has to be very healthy. the mass majority of the people just go unnoticed. either because they conceal the beauty or the pain withing themselves, or because everybody else is just too busy looking at the extremes.

if anyone knows about any organization in mumbai which takes care of people who are homeless, and medically in a very bad state, pls email me and let me know the phone nos., contact. that kind of thing.its urgent

moving around the city on a painful neck

its not easy to look at a rushing train when there is a good amount of pain radiating all over your body if u do that. but you have to. because there is nothing like the sight of a train filled with humanity rushing onto the platform. to pick you up. to be part of it. it almost feels strange.
i wear a tie nowadays. that is definetly weird. i am the 2 jean guy. and suddenly, there is this black tie.
things people do for money. they are ready to debase their body, and we condemm them. but what of the ones who debase their spirit.
horrible, aint it?!

cervical spondilytis

so i have cervical spondilytis?!?

no, its just a muscular spasm. and then my shoulder relaxed.
i find out that its just a spasm. it is definetly still a pain in the neck. literally.

i have been asked to take some medicines. and then told that people doing sedentary jobs need to do a lot of exercise. i dont tell the doc however, that i came back at 12 last night cause i was on the train most of the day. hardly sedentary.
but try explaining that.

it does hurt a lot. but i think maybe it will galvanise me into some kind of action. only when we realise about our sins do we resolve to correct them.
if we want to.

t

why do you care so much?

what is with a lot of people?
the naievity of caring for the whole world. its not even idealist. idealism is the aspiration for perfection. what we have here is an aspiration for a process, or a manner of living and being that is supposed to be. but, is that the ideal?

i doubt it. when shobha talks about elections in the north, i can only think of kids for whom not having electricity in the day in the village dosent really mean anything. what are the standards? is having electricity 24 hrs, or running water 24 hrs the ideal? or is it something else? maybe some peace. maybe what is there for a lot of families in the village. the normal cycle of life and death and the mentality of the governance of life by some superbeing. surrendering to that ideal might be what villages in india are comfortable about. while we write on on our blogs; like how thesixthartist writes about mj and the american ideal; what meaning does it have to most of the billions who dont read it? and isint it ironical that we write about them. almost considering them the white man's burden. if we dont do something about those poor innocent persecuted run down, duped, illeterate chaps all over this country and the rest, who the hell will?

and if i cant do something about it, lets atleast talk about it? i dont see a lot of sense in it.
what i see sense in is when we talk about whats inside our minds. new stuff. things within. not opinions formed on somebodys comprehension of ideal and our urge to embrace it. i like it when shobha talks about her when she was a kid, or when anita talks about kerala as a place, or when thesixthartist talks about the things done in a day, or when anand talks about his movies and all the silly amazing pieces of information he contains.

once we were discussing what made anand and me and the cat really good friends. we came to the conclusion that it was the sheer apolitical nature of our conversations. the diversity of our careers and the need to talk whats coming from inside our heads, not from outside of it.
i think thesixthartist might agree. to some of this.

to each his own. to each his own.

this was a rare personal comment on individual styles of other bloggers. i apologise and commit not to comment .again



anita

shobha

thesixthartist

anand

crowds

i see a sea of humanity everywhere i go
each talking to themselves. making me gape at the size of the city.
and making me wonder of what all goes on here.

i have never seen so many people before

BANDRA


i have now moved into bandra. its quite a place. heady, slow and fast at the same time. lit up, and dark also. lots to explore. lots to lose.

i have a lot of time on my hands.
lot to do and forget.
many things that i have gone through
come back and haunt and i dont want
i will become alone in my mind
fly and take the top cliff side
remember everyday and still not flinch
and think of another hope somewhere

BOMBAY

daddy o

what i have always felt i could do is play some instrument. now i am not sure that it will be the guitar or the drums or the sax or the tabla. but i do know that i will be able to make music, all of which is there in my head and has alwys been there. so what do i do?

i get the daddy o. thats the distortion set from danelectro and it really kicks ass. other than really amping the whole guitar arrangement, it also makes the sound very twangy and with more punch, if nothing else. i think as i get to explore it, i will get a lot of different sounds on it. and then, the sixthartist sent me a pretty cool poster with chords on it( how some simple things can get u excited, rite?!), and i think that will help too. its a pain to search in a book.

-----------------
i also made a coupla changes to the blog. i think i wanted a place to put some fotos on aregular basis so thus the daily feed. i dont think i will be able to feed it daily, but i am getting there.

its interesting how a lot of things so important in life just need to be swept under but its also interesting how they sometimes come up suddenly, rite in front of you.

jam sandwiches

this is anand's view of things we did on friday nite. it was a good nite. i will put up some fotos online in some time. i am still getting used to the whole thing. the phone camera, the webcam, things like that. its not a bad deal if you are running a blog.

I ate the last jam sandwich. since we couldnt find any other homeless person after the last one. (this statement manadates reading anand's blog first)

the chaps at vineyard are really good. but i dont know what they are trying to do. releive hunger, or make us aware of how much hunger there is? if its the latter, then its fine, because jam sandwiches every friday nite dont do much to fill stomachs. but people being aware of them do go a long way.

to the exit of somebody i love.

the throne of blood

moving upon the tv
are images i have seen
long time back on a stage
the act was played while i watched from a cage

hello who is that i see
moving in the fog on the tv
looking up and searhcing for the castle
which stood there long ago

the throne of blood demands its sacrifice
the spider wants to snare you into its tricks
move away and go away
for the spider is looking for you

take a deep breathe and look at the evil spirit
lurking in your heart
black eyes arent looking at me again
and i am hoping to be washed away

moving back and forth in life
looking back at people i had left behind
and finding them again
to lose them again(yes, you)

one more go on the ride
round and round and round
going nowwhere but having fun
whatever

of missed chances and lost time

so you started reading this stuff just now.
there isint much time left.
my mind is moving away into its own little world.
the light in the eyes is going, going far away.

look around.
you'll see what wrongs you are doing
letting yourself fall inside what you were out of.
there were moments of inspiration at times
but the match always gave out.
am i complaining?
maybe so, but tell me
is the past under my control.
anymore?

the past is always under our control isint it?
always. its just that we make it the past. and sometimes, the future catches up.

i rote some stuff somedays back. i started riting in a state of mind i have almost never had. it was interesting, to say the least. it wasnt pleasant, but it was interesting. here's some from that.

---------------------

pizza smells while you try to sleep. the opening of an electric opera on the speaker. violent drums. hendrix on the guitar. very indian drums, in a way. till the opens up the guitar and the rhythmn.

sunday evenings. a bottle of coke. not a pinch. just a bottle. yet.
post wody allen movie and a quasi erotic movie, there's nothing else to do. so i start riting. some people say the best novels get made like this. i dont think so. so test. bluepinkbluepink skies. with patches of light. biscuit billboard in the distance, beside the back of a 3-star hotel. wafting grass, seen in isolation could be the unknown part of an african jungle. sadly, all it is is the foreground of a city scene.
airconditioning exhaust funnels everywhere in sight. the ugliness of a pretty warm light somewhere inside.

the back of a woman in a black dress, lit by the covered bulb of a lamp in there. she looks back at the window loking through outside. but she cant see anybody.

the night is kicking in. the white gave way to the black. het, coke is black. so is my wallet.

a yellow guitar liew above the speaker which is giving out hendrix. cocooned. it must feel sad. nobody played it. a wasted potential. dying away on a wall.

---------------------

pictures near by

all the other things that i clicked with my first fone.

thanks to mdeii for putting the stuff up. i am still trying to make my usb work. it will, soon.
everybody needs a toy. rite?
the weekend was good. the week has just started again. it just is one big cycle. just mulling around and round and round.
one day, there will be space to walk.

FARGO

fargo. i saw this word on the back of a truck atleast 30 years old.
interesting isint it. i wanted to take a snap, but i dident have me kamera.
and the best bit is, the back of the truck looked like it could have just come from there.

and hey, i saw this truck here.

songs for the day

katatonia-gone
jimi hendrix-hey joe
alice in chains-get born again

fragile dreams

it is funny this music. i remember that the starting of this song is very similar to the music playing in diablo. the game.

remember. that was one heckuva game.
ofcourse, the feel of the music is very similar. i have been listening to a lot of good music these day. hendrix's blues. and

ocean colour scene(definetly british!)
good stuff.
and about kingslys statement about hypocrisy being the first stage of selfawareness. i dont know. finding out that all you

believed in was rong and then moving on from there has to have some flaw in the process of collecting those beliefs.

hypocrisy is probably the stage that comes in people who havent really explored themselves till now.

i dont know. its easy to write stuff. it dosent take much. and well, not too many people read all this stuff. so what the

heck.

there aint too much time in your life
what you gonna do about it.
live it on, and dream on about it.
choices we made, and choices choose us.
in the end its just us.(we are left with)
reasonable doubt makes you leave it all behind.
society and man makes you pull up your socks and walk blind
there aint nothing that prevents us from being us
but just that there is too much baggage from previous
whatever we see, and do and think, has an effect on everything.
look over your shoulder once
and you always will forever
but the problem is, the damage is done
the cast is set
there is another one left