hi again

i almost have become a visitor to my own blog nowadays.
these days, i have become a visitor to my past, and a spectator to my future. strange, that feels.
i did something yesterday that i am regretting having to do, but something that had to be done to preserve whatever semblence of reality i might have wanted to maintain.

there are these 2 worlds, and i am stuck in a limbo. either of them dont allow me to move towards anything. like some kind of a magnetic force keeping me stuck. unable to comment, commit or move on.

work keeps me busy though. that is something i am trying to cling on to during the day. that and something else also.
other than that, there isint anything new happening around me. just the same things, each day is woken up to a reality which stings. but i hardly feel the sting anymore really.

lets see where all this goes. maybe to a future, or straight into my past.

hey

i dont these days write so much. the thing is, i am not so connected to the outside world, firstly, and the second thing is, i dont know if i have a whole lot of things to write about here anymore. i am finding that as i am increasingly getting into work life over the last one year, i am not able to find time to do those other things that made my life more colourful.

not that i am missing everything too much. i guess if i was, i wouldnt be doing all that i am. but sometimes i find myself wondering about the reasons for this work and for the money that keeps coming in every month end.

is this so that i can sustain myself and keep going back to work, or is for some future which is uncertain and therefore i should work for it? or is it just an incentive for me to not do those things that i want to do. like a bribe to keep myself here. strange thoughts i agree, but something i do think about.

there are, as always, no answers. just all this. as always, as in any post that embarks on an existential thought of mine, i am again at a loss for a conclusion. i wonder why?

reality

it does bite sometime. i am slowly realizing that the things that i am doing are not the things that i want to do for another few months also. this is just not done. i hope someplace or the other, i will be able to move into something which interests me and keeps me going for a long long time. what is going on right now is almost sublime. unreal. hope this is just a phase.

ATHENA

we were at athena last night. the entire group of people from my office. the place is wild. its the coolest disc in the city and we definetly had a lot of fun. the bill came to round about some 20 grand, which the company paid.

we got out at 5am in the morning, and got the morning train back to bandra.
i remain in bandra though for another couple of months. my posting is here.
the place had very cool bose speakers, and the music is mixed by dj akeel. hes pretty famous, i heard. the music was very well mixed. english and hindi, and some punjabi all together. the crowd was fantastic. the women were wonderful (though i dident know anyone there!)

had a very good time.
and to more nights like these.

the horoscope theory

i was talking with a friend about horoscopes. i think there is something very interesting in that. when i started seeing my horoscope initially it never used to match. however, now it does, as i have become more regular. i think thats because now, my life is moulded to my horoscope. atleast, subconsiously. we tend to read it, and then make our lives fit the pattern of the horoscope, thereby making it true which makes us want to believe more and more in it.

so the best thing is to not see them at all. becasue if you are, you are the victim of a control function. an external one influencing your life. a faceless god, in a way.
i guess making patterns for life leads to them ocming true if there is faith. and since there is faith, we believe everything to be true which leads to it becoming true.

isint life just hell?!

hey, i am happy these days!

pico iyer

his book, cuba and the night has a remarkable line. i dont remember it exactly, but its something like this:

when people are not dependable, the one thing to hold onto are principles.

i think i am like that. i have seen in the last one year, that dependability is something unknown in most parts of the world. principles, can be the only guiding star. a good one, at that.

move on, move on.
dont wait for the stars to fall down.
look below, the earth has gone ahead
you're standing on the vacumm inside your head.

i am at work on a sunday, and its not so bad really. its quiet, simple. not like everyday.

the long and winding road

its the end of the road sometimes. this isint one, but sometimes it seems like one.
the abstract nature of my being has become me. life is suddenly without meaning. floating images here and there. without purpose, or thought. everything reminding of the past, or of the future. playing out in my head, sometimes all i can see is myself exactly how i am now, 10 years from here.

thats not good. the same chair, the same wall. just a different place. the same thoughts, and the same eyeball reflecting. the shine which used to be there, i heard had gone out. everytime i try to ressurect it, i am doing something else. till focus snaps in, and reality bites.

the requirements of my life are sometimes things that are so romantic that they appear to be the figment of that romance. somehow, every thought that goes through my head has a theory somewhere about escapism. gradually, all the possibilities appear to be the things that i would like to do but never will get around to. just because they are just those possiblities that people like me try to reach out to. but shouldnt. or so some other theory goes.

a spiral which ends in nothing. one which just comes back to the same place.
what i would like to do, is exit...stage left.

I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee - high
So won't you try to come

Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you

to someone who knows this song all too well. i would like to do this.

pirouette in a red red dress
naked feet and open hair
make believe in my head.

step onto my toes
and we will dance all morn
till your daddy comes home
time for me to snap shut

feel loved say nothing
look into those deep eyes
see hope and fear
the future and the past

love is a hard thing
to get into
to trust someone with your independence

time has gone by.
life has thrown surprises
most of the things i loved are gone someplace
the beauty from my past carries me forward.
hope and fear mirror
my eyes close, to a day long ago
when all on my mind was to reach one place
meet you looking through the door

and have you pirouette in your red red dress.

the pleasures of the past

most of what is written or told is firmly based on the past of the person. humans i think are incapapble of recreating in their minds emotions or events in the same manner as they had happened unless they have a similar experience to bank on. infact, if you read most of what is written, a lot of effort goes into description, or decrypting unique experiences into a language which makes it lucid to a larger population (which might have not gone through those emotions or experinces). perhaps in the process, language and writing is the common denominator and in that sense, diluted. the true essence of an experience in the writers own words, which make sense to him, would probably not be understood by most people. and since the objective of writing is to express and to be read, it makes sense i think to produce uniqueness onto a larger canvas.

why am i discussing this? to bring to the point that writing is a blast from the past. the summation of what we have gone through. things inexpressible in the spoken language. poetry comes closer to reality in that sense. and therefore is harder to understand. i have started liking poetry quite a lot these days. keats has started appealing to me these days. especially when i see the type of stuff he used to write. about birds, and things he saw during the day. about emotions, and stuff. it is interesting.

this has become a largish post. sorry.

E N D

back to the future

it is times like yeaterday that make me understand the kind of person i really am.
a lot of moments in the day yesterday were like a jolt. like somethings that i believed i was not capable of enjoying, and then suddenly discovering those emotions which i love.
it is so different from the jungle i am usually in. alomost like that stream you chance upon. knowing however, that you have to move on after a short rest.

but its all worth it. today, movement and careers have probably destroyed so many things, that sometimes; i am unable to even contemplate the possibilities that have been lost. life's movement ends up breaking up people and the chances of a lifetime. not even being able to understand if there were any chances at all. even.

beauty is an uncomplicated person. not all the time, but when that person is with you. unwound and open, because there are no threats and no competition.

the white dress, and the brown eyes (you do have them?)
the bag and the black heeled shoes
walk, talk eat and sleep
enjoy the world you get to keep.
things will change
you will move
but the vision of you will stay glued
hey, baby, dont stop being you
cause there just aint nothing wrong in the way you move.
oh yeah!

strawberries and limejuice

Lime juice

now i am a true fan of lime juice. i have had lime juice here and there. i present to you the personal lime juice ratings. the best nimboo pani there is in india.

1. the best dang nimboo pani i had was on the trel to ooty in tamilnadu. after climbing for 4 hrs and going up 8000ft, anythign mite taste good you might venture. well, this was the ultimate high(in more ways than one). this nm (nimboo pani) is made by the villagers in a village about 7000ft up. its a place you can only walk into. it was a mixture of salt and sugar and nimboo and pani. and it was just out of the world.

2. anyone living in bombay and using the train will staunchly stand by me when i say the nm at dadar station is par compare. not at all the places, but on platform 1. near the steps, is this shop, and it sells the very best nm money can buy. in fact, it is so good, that he is able to offer it at a premium or one rs. (thereby making it rs.5) and is able to get away with it.

3. here is where they all merge in now. nm at almost all other places are kinda similar.

10000. the nm at tegh bahadur station is the pits(ya, there is such a station in bombay!) there are better ways to die i am told than from intense anger and remorse after drinking that stuff.

you might question about the nm at home. i mean, mom does make it, rite?
welllll....see, that stuff is in such a league of its own. just dont put it on any top then shop then. it just dosent fit.

are you wondering about the strawberries?
i never bought them. though i was thinking that perhaps at some point i mite be able to. but the strawberry thing dident get off even the drawing board. too bad. but like forrest gump says, shit happens.

elvis
chek this site out. i think this is elvis' resting place. the site he has set up from hell. ( i am sure he is there!)

i am going to try and research him. maybe some of you will too.

republished

i did some changes to the blog and have tried to incorporate some of the things that i am. ofcourse, the whole thing is not quite like i have in my mind, but maybe with a little help from anand, i might by able to get it sorted out.
anand, i have already sent you the code, mate.
(i dont know where i am getting the aussi tinge and i dare say its not from watching any cricket, since i dont).

about the previous post in black, well, its one of those things. cause and effect. or maybe affect. however, i taught me a good lesson. ergo sum.
the trek to mahuli is something i really want to do. but lakc of company prevents. if there is someone in bombay who wants to chill out on a sunday, and who's idea of fun is climbing for 6 hrs, let me know here, and we can plan it out!

otherwise, i will have to go alone, with elvis and rush keeping me company. i dont mind that, but its safer with another person, and hell, its more fun.

when was the first time you did something for the last time?

yesterday

the bike by the road

i just saw a bike by the wall which had a no parking sign on it. the bike curiously was amixture of some 5 bikes. it had the engine of an enfield, the front of a yam, and the look of a harley. the best part is the way it was kept and the way it just leaned into the wall. almost like the rebel thing. nonchalant, waiting for you to tell me what to and i wont do that look. (i wanted to hypehnate the whole thing but just do it yourself ok).

i also finished reading a book after a long time. vernon little. there is something inbetween also, but hey, you get the idea rite. the book is irreverant, and the kind of reverse look at the life in the US. sometimes, there is so much contradiction in what different media say about how kids and people are in the US that you really dont know. in a way, this book was about a lot of things that we see to be bad about the US. the media, the government involvement, the run for the money so what if lots of people die, its all entertainment thing that just is so much there in the US.

sorry about the non hypehnated hypehnating sentences. its a take from the book. sometimes, its the best way to express something.

so life is going on
waiting for the next weekends morn
sometimes there isint anything to look forward to
but heck i got something to.
lets see where this goes
the pretty place that i mite go
is in my mind and waiting to show.
its them glasses that are scary
cause you never know when to be wary.

hey, wary rhymes with sari? does it?
dammittodoggonegod.
juskiddingthatsall.

the sion fire

i saw the after effects of the sion fire in the city. it was pretty devastating. the building which bore the brunt is actually a burnt out shell. some people were inside the burnt shops trying to make sense out of some papers and there was even one guy on a landline calling from inside the burnt black shop.

hell is a place on earth.
the place is here.
there, everywhere.
its just not something you want to be near.

no news from radhika?
maybe shes just not read
i dont understand some people
who could be frightened so
that there would be a new shell made

there is nothing worth commenting on the person. she is as anonymous to me as to you. maybe more

the WSF

it was where people from all over the world came. all the space on the walls, on the pipes inbetween dadar and borivali had been taken by the world social forum. it was also called the mumbai resistance, and beat globalization and so on.

i really wanted to hear joseph stigligz. plus, ofcourse, arundhati roy(who had come there i think), and just go there to see everything, feel the heat on globalisation.

but i dident. i dident have anybody to go with. i find it ironically funny that i did not have anybody to go with for a fight on glaobalisation. its more funny, since that just kind of proves that well, friendships and interests still havent been globalised. isint it almost perfect that i wouldnt have anybody to go with on a fight on globalisation. for if i had an entire army, then i would be, in a way, myself globalized. (please excuse the z's and the s' alternating in the big G spelling..its a globaliz(s)ation effect)

its even more funny that a friend of mine's friend are the ones who were organizing the whole razzmatazz. and i got to know that the day the whole thing got over.

one observation that a friend of mine made about this whole thing which stands out is

its funny that all these people who are fighting against globalization are coming from all over the world to do it. in a way, the entire group fighting is itself a globalized group. one which is against(if not for) a one particular cause. exactly the agenda of globalization. that, plus the fact that had it not been for globalization, these people could never have come together here.

what was dissapointing in the entire week that happened here, was that everybody was so busy protesting that nothing really got done. though i believe in protest, haveing an agenda less forum which addresses protest, but does not look at solutions, seemed to me like a huge waste of a lot ot time, effort and minds. perhaps the solutions will come out of the sustained protest.

whatever it was, i missed out on something for which i might just have to go to the other side of the world to see now. and that, is not a bad idea!

gprs(among other things)

my phone over here is trying very hard to get to the internet right here. i dont think it is going to be able to do it though. its still trying though. thats its job.

so i just got back from work. there is something very disconcerting about life in this city. somehow the good and the ugly are so close apart that it is uncomfortable. the biggest problem is that it is very difficult to realize what is ugly and what isint. you look straight ahead into the eyes of people and there is this defeatist look or this victorious look. both of which are just spiralling everybody down. sometimes, it all looks ugly. people taking advantage of other people. left right and centre.

all the ideas lost

through the day, there are so many ideas and thoughts which flow through and just whittle away. there is nothing that i am able to recollect by the end of the day. it seems like a big waste sometimes. some of the stuff is ofcourse, very visual dependant. but i dont carry my camera around. and the one on the phone isint helping since my computer is still a million miles away!

mumbai perhaps presents the best photo op there is in the world. just waiting, for the right angle and the right lens. i have many plans, none of which are working out. like take the 84 bus and go around the city, shooting snaps. or go to places just outside the city, and click away. or go to toto's or club9 or places like that, and do some of that disc photography. the expressions inside those places are probably one of the best. paradoxical expressions for a disc come up. guy and girl getting bored(with all that music), or the angry bartender(thats normal!). stuff. the lights. the mood. smoke. the 'i dont know what i am doing here' look. its all there. waiting for the right chemical.

but i dont do this. see, the sixth artist is right about some of the things. all the things i want to do, and just dont do.

latest book being read- the global soul(pico's)
the eastern stories- joseph conrad
52 weekend breaks from mumbai(!!)

latest chord learnt- G7 (i just know a few)

current music- a mix of rush, floyd and punjabi tadka on TV

another year bites the dust

somehow today, i am more beset with memories than with what lies ahead. the weather in mumbai is great today and there is this cool wind blowing. the world is a nice place today. people are happy and all that. as for me, i have started coping with my past much better than what i thought i would have been capable of. ofcourse, everything is there in front of my eyes like a film before the present, but the funny thing is, the film isint really blocking my view.

i am a 'move on' kind of person i think. i have always moved on. i dont really understand if that is the right thing to do or if that is a sustainable approach. but till now, it hasnt been so bad. or atleast, it is slowly easing off.

i am still not trekking, or listening to music enough. neither am i going around with any body. but there is a calm inside which is probably not going to stay on too long. i am going to start trekking again, and play my guitar more often. i am also going to see more movies, and listen to more music. in that entire space, i will continue to work jobs which make me feel like i am using my mind and seriously pushing it. that is something i like. solving problems. coolly, with death calm.

sang froid.

inconsistency

a blogger needs to have a sense of purpose on the blog. the uncanny look in his mind that allows him to focus on a particular object or discussion on the blog. so that it idnetifies with him.

what do you do however, when the person is not somebody you can identify? an entitiy uncertain of its being, unaware of purpose. infact, devoid of purpose. this person will be unable to relate and connect to a particualr topic for a long enough time since he himself is unable to sustain interest in things around him for long periods of time.

such a person is me. asif...

random thoughts pop into my head all the time. the location or the activity i am involved in do not affect these thoughts. sustenance of interest is another problem. it just dosent happen!
thats why, a lot of time, this place has become a hoopla of all kinds of stuff. moving here and there, but never really pointing anywhere.

i have started reading again. and the guitar sounds good in my headphones(thank god its only me who hears it!)