Sunday, December 28, 2003

happy birthday!

to the best brother there can ever be

hey bhai!
warm up the chai
drink it up
and do some gup-shup.
move around the world
and isint it just like how i told

have a great day
and make hay
as you lay.

brother of the year

TAZ!the brother
but really yaar

oh-jee, kuch to bollo!

Saturday, December 27, 2003


the world has gone numb

about 15000 people died yesterday and nobody really cares. i had thought the papers would be all over the 15000 dead in iran, the tragedy in china and the plane crash over benin. the papers just mentioned it all. the bigger deal was sehwag swaggering.
the world has maybe become to political to just understand personal pain and do something about it. its about countries and matches between countries and how many US soldiers got killed today.

i hope someday in the future, people can focus on what happened yesterday and understand that it was such a bad day. for all its worth it, life is so precious.

to the ones who died
i hope they find peace somewhere
for the ones who live on
will forever be in hell within.

Thursday, December 25, 2003

sleepless nights

i couldnt sleep last night. for an incredibly long time, i just kept tossing and trying to soothe my head which was aching like mad. it was no. 2 on the top 5 headaches of all time in my life. no. 1 was in guwahati a long time back when i passed out because of the pain. nos. 3-5 are those which dont deserve special mention.

after a point however, i couldnt take it any longer and watched tv instead. not the most ideal thing to do while you have a headache, but there wasnt anything else to do. either that, or all the demons and the good things from the past coming back to you. i prefer tv.
there were occasional shouts and random laughter from outside my room. some people were i guess very yuletidy. i remembered what i was doing last christmas.

there was a party downstairs and lots of girls and guys dancing. we had gone in and said hi and danced a bit and eaten the rum cake a bit and then got back. it dident seem like too much fun. comparitively!

dont ask me what i was doing for new year's last year. that one, is a killer.

i saw the bbc list of the top 100 books. i must have read about the same number that anita has. maybe all of us have read a similar number. makes you think dosent it?

till another day
when the air is clear
let me be by myself
while you are still dear.

the world goes on
but i am still here
it will take me time
but one day i will be the seer.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

i guess almost the entire of the christian world must have used this word atleast once today. just imagine if this word had been the copyright of the vatican. we would have had a new richest guy of the world.
the pope.
i have thought often of some of the things which could have been a gold mine had they been patented and produced only by the inventors.
some obvious things:
toilet paper(for the developed world)

if you think these things arent patentable, then look at these:
carbonated water
yellow stickey paper

i cant think of a lot more, right now( because of the headache i think);)

oh, i saw(dident talk to him) piyush pandey the other day at a party we had gone to. he was having fun. i dont think i was having too much fun though. its not so great to be going to a place just for the heck of it right? the music if good though.very good.

Saturday, December 20, 2003



there is this levi's ad up on the bus board which i really liked. its very clear, simple, and extremely slick looking. i have the picture of it, but i wont be able to upload it since i am not using a dedicated computer.

i have also been listening to zappa(finally!),and i think he is pretty experimental. i dont know if i will like this kind of music, but it depends on the mood, and how much i am willing to experiment. i also got an album of jimmy page, and he is pretty good. that is kind of a given though.

while inbetween trains, i sometimes wonder about a number of opportunites that present for short movies, plays, scenes on the trains. it is quite a lot of fun. infact, right now, i am actually enjoying all the pushing around and the general crowds at all the stations. its not bad at all. especially since i know that this is just a phase. thank god for that ( if there is any).

let god take care of you
if there is any.
let god love you a lot
if there is any.
let god look out for you
if there is any.
let god wait for you at night
if there is any.
'cause the devil's got me
and there isint any god there.

the neck is ok, but the pain hasnt gone

there arent many options for someone in pain. i think everywhere, a person has to be in a lot of pain to be able to get any attention. or, has to be very healthy. the mass majority of the people just go unnoticed. either because they conceal the beauty or the pain withing themselves, or because everybody else is just too busy looking at the extremes.

if anyone knows about any organization in mumbai which takes care of people who are homeless, and medically in a very bad state, pls email me and let me know the phone nos., contact. that kind of thing.its urgent

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

moving around the city on a painful neck

its not easy to look at a rushing train when there is a good amount of pain radiating all over your body if u do that. but you have to. because there is nothing like the sight of a train filled with humanity rushing onto the platform. to pick you up. to be part of it. it almost feels strange.
i wear a tie nowadays. that is definetly weird. i am the 2 jean guy. and suddenly, there is this black tie.
things people do for money. they are ready to debase their body, and we condemm them. but what of the ones who debase their spirit.
horrible, aint it?!

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

cervical spondilytis

so i have cervical spondilytis?!?

no, its just a muscular spasm. and then my shoulder relaxed.
i find out that its just a spasm. it is definetly still a pain in the neck. literally.

i have been asked to take some medicines. and then told that people doing sedentary jobs need to do a lot of exercise. i dont tell the doc however, that i came back at 12 last night cause i was on the train most of the day. hardly sedentary.
but try explaining that.

it does hurt a lot. but i think maybe it will galvanise me into some kind of action. only when we realise about our sins do we resolve to correct them.
if we want to.

Monday, December 08, 2003

why do you care so much?

what is with a lot of people?
the naievity of caring for the whole world. its not even idealist. idealism is the aspiration for perfection. what we have here is an aspiration for a process, or a manner of living and being that is supposed to be. but, is that the ideal?

i doubt it. when shobha talks about elections in the north, i can only think of kids for whom not having electricity in the day in the village dosent really mean anything. what are the standards? is having electricity 24 hrs, or running water 24 hrs the ideal? or is it something else? maybe some peace. maybe what is there for a lot of families in the village. the normal cycle of life and death and the mentality of the governance of life by some superbeing. surrendering to that ideal might be what villages in india are comfortable about. while we write on on our blogs; like how thesixthartist writes about mj and the american ideal; what meaning does it have to most of the billions who dont read it? and isint it ironical that we write about them. almost considering them the white man's burden. if we dont do something about those poor innocent persecuted run down, duped, illeterate chaps all over this country and the rest, who the hell will?

and if i cant do something about it, lets atleast talk about it? i dont see a lot of sense in it.
what i see sense in is when we talk about whats inside our minds. new stuff. things within. not opinions formed on somebodys comprehension of ideal and our urge to embrace it. i like it when shobha talks about her when she was a kid, or when anita talks about kerala as a place, or when thesixthartist talks about the things done in a day, or when anand talks about his movies and all the silly amazing pieces of information he contains.

once we were discussing what made anand and me and the cat really good friends. we came to the conclusion that it was the sheer apolitical nature of our conversations. the diversity of our careers and the need to talk whats coming from inside our heads, not from outside of it.
i think thesixthartist might agree. to some of this.

to each his own. to each his own.

this was a rare personal comment on individual styles of other bloggers. i apologise and commit not to comment .again





Saturday, December 06, 2003


i see a sea of humanity everywhere i go
each talking to themselves. making me gape at the size of the city.
and making me wonder of what all goes on here.

i have never seen so many people before

Wednesday, December 03, 2003


i have now moved into bandra. its quite a place. heady, slow and fast at the same time. lit up, and dark also. lots to explore. lots to lose.

i have a lot of time on my hands.
lot to do and forget.
many things that i have gone through
come back and haunt and i dont want
i will become alone in my mind
fly and take the top cliff side
remember everyday and still not flinch
and think of another hope somewhere

Tuesday, December 02, 2003


Sunday, November 23, 2003

daddy o

what i have always felt i could do is play some instrument. now i am not sure that it will be the guitar or the drums or the sax or the tabla. but i do know that i will be able to make music, all of which is there in my head and has alwys been there. so what do i do?

i get the daddy o. thats the distortion set from danelectro and it really kicks ass. other than really amping the whole guitar arrangement, it also makes the sound very twangy and with more punch, if nothing else. i think as i get to explore it, i will get a lot of different sounds on it. and then, the sixthartist sent me a pretty cool poster with chords on it( how some simple things can get u excited, rite?!), and i think that will help too. its a pain to search in a book.

i also made a coupla changes to the blog. i think i wanted a place to put some fotos on aregular basis so thus the daily feed. i dont think i will be able to feed it daily, but i am getting there.

its interesting how a lot of things so important in life just need to be swept under but its also interesting how they sometimes come up suddenly, rite in front of you.
jam sandwiches

this is anand's view of things we did on friday nite. it was a good nite. i will put up some fotos online in some time. i am still getting used to the whole thing. the phone camera, the webcam, things like that. its not a bad deal if you are running a blog.

I ate the last jam sandwich. since we couldnt find any other homeless person after the last one. (this statement manadates reading anand's blog first)

the chaps at vineyard are really good. but i dont know what they are trying to do. releive hunger, or make us aware of how much hunger there is? if its the latter, then its fine, because jam sandwiches every friday nite dont do much to fill stomachs. but people being aware of them do go a long way.

Saturday, November 22, 2003

Sunday, November 16, 2003

the throne of blood

moving upon the tv
are images i have seen
long time back on a stage
the act was played while i watched from a cage

hello who is that i see
moving in the fog on the tv
looking up and searhcing for the castle
which stood there long ago

the throne of blood demands its sacrifice
the spider wants to snare you into its tricks
move away and go away
for the spider is looking for you

take a deep breathe and look at the evil spirit
lurking in your heart
black eyes arent looking at me again
and i am hoping to be washed away

moving back and forth in life
looking back at people i had left behind
and finding them again
to lose them again(yes, you)

one more go on the ride
round and round and round
going nowwhere but having fun

Thursday, November 13, 2003

of missed chances and lost time

so you started reading this stuff just now.
there isint much time left.
my mind is moving away into its own little world.
the light in the eyes is going, going far away.

look around.
you'll see what wrongs you are doing
letting yourself fall inside what you were out of.
there were moments of inspiration at times
but the match always gave out.
am i complaining?
maybe so, but tell me
is the past under my control.

the past is always under our control isint it?
always. its just that we make it the past. and sometimes, the future catches up.

i rote some stuff somedays back. i started riting in a state of mind i have almost never had. it was interesting, to say the least. it wasnt pleasant, but it was interesting. here's some from that.


pizza smells while you try to sleep. the opening of an electric opera on the speaker. violent drums. hendrix on the guitar. very indian drums, in a way. till the opens up the guitar and the rhythmn.

sunday evenings. a bottle of coke. not a pinch. just a bottle. yet.
post wody allen movie and a quasi erotic movie, there's nothing else to do. so i start riting. some people say the best novels get made like this. i dont think so. so test. bluepinkbluepink skies. with patches of light. biscuit billboard in the distance, beside the back of a 3-star hotel. wafting grass, seen in isolation could be the unknown part of an african jungle. sadly, all it is is the foreground of a city scene.
airconditioning exhaust funnels everywhere in sight. the ugliness of a pretty warm light somewhere inside.

the back of a woman in a black dress, lit by the covered bulb of a lamp in there. she looks back at the window loking through outside. but she cant see anybody.

the night is kicking in. the white gave way to the black. het, coke is black. so is my wallet.

a yellow guitar liew above the speaker which is giving out hendrix. cocooned. it must feel sad. nobody played it. a wasted potential. dying away on a wall.


Tuesday, November 11, 2003

pictures near by

all the other things that i clicked with my first fone.

thanks to mdeii for putting the stuff up. i am still trying to make my usb work. it will, soon.
everybody needs a toy. rite?
the weekend was good. the week has just started again. it just is one big cycle. just mulling around and round and round.
one day, there will be space to walk.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003


fargo. i saw this word on the back of a truck atleast 30 years old.
interesting isint it. i wanted to take a snap, but i dident have me kamera.
and the best bit is, the back of the truck looked like it could have just come from there.

and hey, i saw this truck here.

songs for the day

jimi hendrix-hey joe
alice in chains-get born again

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

fragile dreams

it is funny this music. i remember that the starting of this song is very similar to the music playing in diablo. the game.

remember. that was one heckuva game.
ofcourse, the feel of the music is very similar. i have been listening to a lot of good music these day. hendrix's blues. and

ocean colour scene(definetly british!)
good stuff.
and about kingslys statement about hypocrisy being the first stage of selfawareness. i dont know. finding out that all you

believed in was rong and then moving on from there has to have some flaw in the process of collecting those beliefs.

hypocrisy is probably the stage that comes in people who havent really explored themselves till now.

i dont know. its easy to write stuff. it dosent take much. and well, not too many people read all this stuff. so what the


there aint too much time in your life
what you gonna do about it.
live it on, and dream on about it.
choices we made, and choices choose us.
in the end its just us.(we are left with)
reasonable doubt makes you leave it all behind.
society and man makes you pull up your socks and walk blind
there aint nothing that prevents us from being us
but just that there is too much baggage from previous
whatever we see, and do and think, has an effect on everything.
look over your shoulder once
and you always will forever
but the problem is, the damage is done
the cast is set
there is another one left

Thursday, October 30, 2003


i hadnt really understood that i am actually a hypocrite. in a number of ways. it feels strange. the fact that i always considerred myself to be an individual unaffected by these things. someone rational, logical. in the end, i am just emotional. i say 'just' because emotion without logic is useless. isint it?
the fact of the matter is, all that i thought i believed in is right, but i believed in them for all the reasons which i thought i did not believe in. strange what that kind of a realization can do to a person.
i feel let down by myself.

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

a fine day to exit

anathema. to myself. me.

then he cried
filled with guilt and sorrow
for his tomorrow

there it was
the future seen in his eyes
one being made right now
slipping ahead of him with a bitter smile

one more day gone
farther away from the alternate
one that can never be
for which the world must breathe again

going back many years
he saw a flaw in all that was around
for the man that he was today
was because of all that happened yesterday

hard as stone
alive and dead all alone
there were things within him
that died many times over
just while he was sitting and smiling at someone

life is so fragile
waiting to be remade again
he is confident of the future
which has already been made

written upon the stupidity of sharing pain

i ve a lot of u in me at the moment!!!

this is a line sed a long time back. eons back, i think. sometimes.

time goes by. things go by. people go by. it isint at all a waste. its all there, packed up very tightly. waiting to explode.
emotions. the definitive of man. a long time ago, i used to disregard them. now, i sometimes think they are the only things i have left. strange how life takes turns.

sometime back, i met someone. but the problem is that of start up. i think once the startup is faster, then the 'quality time' spent will be more. however, as always, the dependance is more.

it is strange how the life and the course of a person can sometimes be decided by another who dosent sometimes realize the importance of that person in the life. if that realization strikes, there will be a call.

Saturday, October 25, 2003


i cant help falling in love with you

dosent sound like elvis, dosent taste like it too.
and yet it is. really so.
the guy i now understand is very justified to be in forrest gump.

i always thought of elvis as heartbreak hotel, and here he is giving sinatra a run for his money.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

the influence was quite a lot

i used to consider the beatles a band which just grew out of nowhere. one which had the kind of music a lot of people listened to and so the kind i really dident need to listen. probably the first media created phenomenon.

i wasnt so right i guess!

i have been listening to their music and been reading about them. the stuff is very non-traditional. in fact, it is. it dosent seem like that to me, thats all.

the music is very british. and it is very liverpool, in a way. u know. except for some songs in the later stages of their careers, almost all of them are free of political thought. just some guys playing some music. ofcourse, later on, harrison and paul and john all became very politically active. but that is almost inevitable. probably a offshoot of fame. even then, the music i very interesting. fresh stuff.

the best thing about these guys is that the guitar and the music is very simple. although i have no chance of playing the stuff on the guitar, with some practise, it can be done i think! unlike mr. slash, whose guitaring requires 30 eyes, 16 hands, and 7 brains.

about the song.
hey. i am just speaking my mind. is that a big enough crime?
running at such a speed, for all the things that arent in need.
forgetting that the things that really mean
just get lost in the blur of the wayside scene

Everybody seems to think I’m lazy
I don’t mind, I think they’re crazy
Running everywhere at such a speed
Till they find there’s no need (there’s no need)

Please, don’t spoil my day, I’m miles away
And after all I’m only sleeping

Monday, October 20, 2003


i have always liked kevin spacey. i dident like this movie though. mainly because the movie lacked something special. in a lot of ways, it is very predictable. though they think it isint.

the only thing i liked about the movie was this line towards the end. kevin spacey voicing over

"Prot: I wanna tell you something Mark, something you do not yet know, that we K-PAXians have been around long enough to have discovered. The universe will expand, then it will collapse back on itself, then will expand again. It will repeat this process forever. What you don't you know is that when the universe expands again, everything will be as it is now. Whatever mistakes you make this time around, you will live through on your next pass. Every mistake you make, you will live through again, & again, forever. So my advice to you is to get it right this time around. Because this time is all you have.

there is one more line in the movie which i liked a lot. something very simple. direct. but often unthought of.

Every being in the universe knows right from wrong, Mark.

Saturday, October 18, 2003

i played cricket and pool today

after a long time(maybe a few years, i finally played cricket and really enjoyed it. i even won the first game. the rules are different. we were playing inside a volleyball court space. so the rules are such:

1) the ball if it hits any of the walls(apogee-20mtrs;perigee-30mtrs) is a four.
2) if the ball goes over the wall, its out.
3) you can get out 5 times. each out is -5 runs.
4) each player gets 3 overs to make as many runs as possible. if he makes 25 runs, he gets 2 more overs. and if he makes another 25 runs in those 2 overs, he gets 1 more over. if he makes 25 in that over, he gets another 3 overs

basically thats it.

then, before that(ha!) i was playing pool with some people from office. and hell. it was good. i was able to get the shots right. it was cool. won 2-3 games i think. it was a nice run. u know. after some time. i had a decent time.

everybody plays some sport at any given time

Tuesday, October 14, 2003


the great rat race

there are too many things
to think of when life goes on

there is just this rat race
that i am becoming part of

the ones that i saw
i am down among them

the reason that is terrible
was that i was once above them

there are so many places that one can be
but i wanted some time to think before the keep

there are so many things that one can do
but i needed to know what i wanted to do

millions of miles away
someone is talking to you

and i still cant help not missing you
the essential characteristics of a successful drama

the most important idea in a drama is the believability of the drama by the audience. without that, the content and the presentation falls flat. the idea behind drama is to involve the characters into the world of the character, and the only way to do that is to draw the audience into the life of the character.

however, without that condition, the drama becomes a mockery of all that is being shown. and it is then insulting to the intelligence of man.

life is a box of chocolates, but sometimes, it takes very less for it to becomes a box of grenades. like so:

life is a box of grenades, you never know when one will blow up

so in life, it is important to look at the chocolates that your are.

this is bat country

Thursday, October 09, 2003

the uncertainty principle

this is not about electrons and about matter and energy.

this is about how people can want to be in 2 places and be that too at the same time. it is almost funny when applied to humans.
but it really isint. the correlation between energy and matter. such a secret. the biggest. and one in which we havent been able to do anything. converting energy to matter isint possible is it?
wish it was.
one more thing.
i think everytime i come out of my office, it is like hitting a high. the cold office and then the warm air outside. the closed windows of my car and the warmth of the inside. then slowly, the realization of the heat and the rolling down of the windows. isint it almost like being high?
not that i would know for sure. but thats how evby talks about it.

so i am ok. rite? the writing on the blog suggests that.

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

awash on a small island

life sometimes reaches those small islands. from which all you want to do is cast away.
they are like stopping points. ones from which no land is seen, but ones from which you can be sure that you will get off.

its just that sometimes, being cast away too long gets to you. there is the need to be on the mainland. amongst. so to speak.
mans cultural inclination forces him to reject isolation.
but till then, from the high peak of the island, the eye looks for the faintest flag.

difficulties in life are sometimes not wordable. ones which can only be felt. because they are not a single moment or a paragraph of distress. rather, they are emotions which span years. those which have had no beginnings and no ends. how is it possible to talk about them. they are at best, flitting images in the mind. of sorrow and happiness. together. creating more. they are those things which make you sigh, and just keep your eyes open and blankly stare into the mind. because there is no future, and the past kills you sometimes.

Separate Lives - Phil Collins

You called me from the room in your hotel
All full of romance for someone that you met
And telling me how sorry you were, leaving so soon
And that you miss me sometimes when you’re alone in your room
Do I feel lonely too?

You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
We can’t go on just holding on to time
Now that we’re living separate lives

Well I held on to let you go
And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show
There was no way to compromise
So now we’re living (living)
Separate lives

Ooh, it’s so typical, love leads to isolation
So you build that wall (build that wall)
Yes, you build that wall (build that wall)
And you make it stronger

Well you have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
Some day I might (I might) find myself looking in your eyes
But for now, we’ll go on living separate lives
Yes for now, we’ll go on living separate lives
Separate lives

Sunday, October 05, 2003


Hello, I’ve waited here for you, everlong
Tonight, I throw myself into and out of the red, out of her head she sang

Come down and waste away with me, down with me
Slow how, you wanted it to be, I’m over my head, out of her head she sang
And I wonder when I sing along with you if everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I’ll ever ask of you
You’ve got to promise not to stop when I say when she sang

Breathe out, so I can breathe you in, hold you in
And now, I know you’ve always been out of your head, out of my head I sang
And I wonder when I sing along with you if everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I’ll ever ask of you
You’ve got to promise not to stop when I say when she sang

And I wonder if everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I’ll ever ask of you
You’ve got to promise not to stop when I say when

the acoustic version of the song everlong by the foo fighters

Thursday, October 02, 2003

a technical snag

look at the image below.

now, how can adam and eve have belly buttons, if they werent born normally? you kow, through birth? and, if they shouldnt have belly buttons, or navels(or modals), then, how can anyone else after that?

i think this is a pretty good logical basis for refuting god. (the christian concept of it anyway). ofcourse, since this logic is very simple, it has had to have been thought of at some previous point in time, and some equally logical faith based reasoning must have evolved. pls let me know.
like, judas(not the priest), or someone like that, burned adam and eve becoz they ate the apple or something like that.

in any case, its a good one i think. i thot of this while reading ulysees. which i managed to pick up again after a long long time. and which i think is the toughest book i have read so far. ( or am reading)!

Tuesday, September 30, 2003


lot of rush in my life these i listen tohere again.

i have also been trying to play the guitar a lot and have managed to play some chords and their variations. i am still however struggling with the C-D-E-G or something like that combination. a lot of times, i am not able to understand the maths of the thing. or the technical aspect of chords. the notes and the chord bit. i am trying.
ofcourse, all this since i am down with fever and am at home today. although i would have liked to see movies with my own gorgeous as exit stage left did when he was ill, alas, such a state does not exist currently.

so i slept most of the day, and did not watch any movies, though i should have. and i mulled, spoke on the telephone for some time, and generally wasted and killed time as my body became weaker. i think i need to do some lot of exercise.

Sunday, September 28, 2003

from the song HERE AGAIN by RUSH

You know I've, I've seen your face before.
Is it ever gonna, ever gonna change again?
Oh, oh I've, I've been in one place too long.
Is it ever gonna, ever gonna change again?


finding my way
need some love
take a friend
here again
what you're doing
in the mood
before and after
working man

from the album RUSH. the cover of this album is really slick. very neat. very clean work. most of the times, this kind of work takes the most amount of time. getting something to look simple.
the song here again is very cool. its playing in my headphones now, and the guitar is just too cool. its a long song. the lead is amazing, and the bass is awesome.

the beat is just too cool too. its one of those songs to which you can sway to.
freddy fender

wasted days and wasted nights

this is a song playing on a sunday morning. and it says, why should i keep loving you. when i know you are not true.

this applies to me. from somebody else to me. self esteem takes beatings most from itself. there is something very sinister about retrospection. its like a devil making you live your personal hell(sometimes). nice and warm in your mind. many things. i think i have had enough of those like... that and this statements. i have made many earlier. they were beautiful. and still are. but thats it now.
sometime back this girl asked me to write a song that she could sing in college. so i did. i never got to know if she used it or not. strange isint it. if you ask someone to write a song for you. you atleast tell him what happened to it, right?
there are copyright issues and local content requirements to which i had strictly adhered to. there has to be information about creative content. hello, who is singing my song?(if at all!?)

i am going to office now. on a sunday. can you beat that.
may you be forever young

to all those people who have touched me. may you stay forever young.

sometimes, life brings you to such crossroads that life itself becomes a choice. not in terms of giving it up, but in terms of what it has been and what it will be and how you bet yourself for that.

giving up a pattern in your life is so difficult. some days back i had written that knowing the path and walking on it makes it easier. but i think that knowing the path makes you not want to take the path, and secondly, makes the journey so much more difficult. because you know whats coming up next and for how long.

life is too big a bet. the choices we make are just betting on something. with no options for a redo anytime later. some chances we take work out ok, and some dont. we just have to live with it all the time.

Thursday, September 25, 2003

hot cars and cold offices

i go to my office. and it is so cold there, that i cant wait to get into my car and just keep the window rolled up and drive to whereever i am going. and the warmth in the car just feels so good.its amazing. but ofcourse, after sometime, i feel very hot and then i turn the window down. soon, i cant wait to get into the airconditioned office. but just for sometime.

life is more or less revolving around these kinds of emotions. this kind of mechanical excitement. the excitement of predictability.

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

a little clarity


clarity of thought is very essential to any process.
i saw the movie 'life of david gale' today. it was a movie the DVD shop i go to had suggested. i think it was a good bet. kevin spacey, in his usual 'clear' voice. and kate winslet, doing what she knows best. being emotional. and shedding the somalian water supply in the process.

there ws something too dramatic and plastic about the ending. the little lines towards the end were like they were in a play. a old shakespearean one, for that.

but the performances were good. and the plot was even better. what was great however, was the midsection. the thought process. the lines in the middle of the movie. one which really did not need the movie.

lines about life. about love. about what is expected and what happens. more than that, it is also the kind of thought process that most people go through. atleast, i think they do. midlife crisis about who we are and what we are here for. an understanding that all we ever lived for, is no longer living for us. that there is a need for something to now live for us. there is always a need to put our footprints on the sands of time(so they say). making that possible, is something we never think about earlier, and then realize it is too late to think about.

philosophy aside, and that formed the basis of david gale, the sunsets in the movie were amazing. is it to show how the sunset(the end of the day) is the most beautiful. and correspondingly, life. and the end of it, wishes to be like that?

2 new pics

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

now, about rights

i was reading this thing about how bad wages were in the US. lot of people say that the US is this and that, and all they are able to do good is to show the best of themselves. maybe even the illusionary. hey, look at all the wars. the black fight for them. the black run for them. the white have the money. the black die for them( largest numbr of prisioners in the world). hell. everybody knows about it. and still. you guys stay there. for the freedom. for the anonymity? i think it is too great a price.

rights of man. when you can stand u without fear of retribution. and say. i live in my own idealist world of my own. one which has too many conditions on the quality of men. one which does not exist. the saddest bit is the cognizance of that fact. but i persist.

i was thinking last night. and i thought i am giving up my judgement for some time. i am not going to decide on the quality of my life and on the quality of my work for some time. some people dont understand that. but i think i have the right to experiment with a few years of my life. if nothing, to know what i dont want to do. ofcourse, in all this, my ego does kick in. and sometimes it is difficult to play the role i am trying to play.

sometime back my boss asked me, hey, what is your long term goal? and this is after a comment on the blueness of the skies these days.

and guess what? i dont have a long term goal.
about rights

there is too much of hypocrisy. even i am one of them. (even what?!)
i bought a new razor which uses a blade so i can save some money, and sometime in the future possibly start reducing the things i use which are actually luxuries.
and ofcourse, in the process, start helping out.
like i was discussing with somebody, this is all about getting your 'own dog'. something or somebody to care for, somebody who loves you. this innate nature of man to be held, to hold. to be bigger than himself/herself. to exist in the consiousness of another. isint it that drives us?
to affect. more than to be affected.

i think all this philosophical stuff primarily is also to possibly to do that only. to probe you. to make you think about this idea. i mean, look at blogs. why the hell? its all about putting up stuff so everybody can see and read and think about. or comment on. we wish to impinge.

so i was thinking how difficult however it is, to remove somebody from a consiousness. but that with time and effort and practise(!), that too seems not a difficult task. i think it is the story of knowing the path and then finding it easy to walk through it. tough it maybe, but the way is known.

Monday, September 22, 2003

mellissa etheridge

this war is over

this song from the movie 'devil's own' has something so poignant about it. it is really cool stuff. the movie itself is almost so tragic. its been sometime since i saw something like that.
you aint seen nothing yet, folks!
so i was thinking to myself, that i need to jazz up this site. so thus. i will try to not make this place gaudy. there are ofcourse, other things about learning on the blog and so on.
the world in colour repeated
the world in colour

a new blog post

i added some more links on the sidecar. i think sometime i would like to read that stuff on a daily basis.

i was talking with a old friend about stuff and it was cool. there are very few people i think i can interact like that in this world. its strange isint it. that there are so few like you. in this big place. i think its also a matter of collision. the mechanics of that in the real world between people is much tougher. i think its easier to brush against somebody than to collide with that person. in the mind i mean.
things we talked about.

animation. ai. games. music. women. billboards. bungee jumping. family. money. lifestyles. loneliness. life. physics.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

some more pics

the moon and the bird


on guitars and god

there is i think a lot of thot which goes into somethings. like god and guitars. both are things u need to have faith in. and sometime or the other, u need to have faith in something or the other. faith in oneself, faith in that, this.

i used to be a dreamer. now the dream has come to an end. in a way, that line has a lot of meaning. for me, in my own life, and generally, in the line itself.

there is something very sinister about coming to age. some bad after taste that lingers and makes u want to do something about it. makes you sometimes want to look back and see yourself playing and arguing about some silly thing like politics sometime back. however, the realization that there is not turning back and that this is the things that you were growing up to sets in, it feels very depressingly unfair.
i dont understand why the best years of life are never cherished as such while they are happening. we think of something ahead which will be better than this one.
like the indica car ad: its only human to want more

more than the metaphysical bit of life. are othe things that take up so much mind space that it becomes impossible to think of the things that u wud ideally like to think about. i think the balance lies in finding out and doing the two things simultaneously.
(is the spelling rite?!)

Monday, September 15, 2003

since we r on the topic of guitars

God Lyrics

God is a concept
By which we measure
Our pain
I’ll say it again
God is a concept
By which we measure
Our pain
I don’t believe in magic
I don’t believe in i-ching
I don’t believe in bible
I don’t believe in tarot
I don’t believe in hitler
I don’t believe in jesus
I don’t believe in kennedy
I don’t believe in buddha
I don’t believe in mantra
I don’t believe in gita
I don’t believe in yoga
I don’t believe in kings
I don’t believe in elvis
I don’t believe in zimmerman
I don’t believe in beatles
I just believe in me
Yoko and me
And that’s reality

The dream is over
What can I say?
The dream is over
I was the dreamweaver
But now I’m reborn
I was the walrus
But now I’m john
And so dear friends
You’ll just have to carry on
The dream is over
jus parathas and flat tires

it happened to me stories

so we went to jus paranthas and also got two flat tires. i dont kow how to take such things. see, if the food is good and the service is good, hell, u can flat the tires and i will be mad at the guy who flattened it. if the food is good, but the service is really lousy, i will blame everybody in jus parathas, inclsdung the managment for the flat tire. i mean, come one man. i want out and to go home and blog for some time, and there is this flat.
so i am wondering that there arent so many services in this country for odd times u know. strange. not very, but just a bit.
we drove the car back to a petrol pump on the flat, filled the tyres(i,y, what the hell), and then got it bak where mes parents were waiting. it was a good nite though all in all. fun thing. the wind is cool, the weather is nice, and i also slept in the afternoon.

it is strange how precious sundays have become. i think one needs time to oneself. its just some time we have on this planet after all.
i have one question. how many people reading this blog wish they were actually doing something else in their daily lives? really. u can just say, 'me'.
not many people read this blog. but still.
and then, hey, why arent you doing that thing?

Sunday, September 14, 2003

this is the one.

i got my guitar!

its an cool blue thing with a 20w amp. sounds good and looks real good!
so now, all i have to do is learn to play the thing. and play it real good, u know what i mean.
thing is. i realized somehting in the morning today. which is pretty important. its just that now, once the days over, it kinda sounds not so great as it sounded earlier.

its not who we miss that counts. its who is missing us that governs our actions.

strangely, as our societies become more and more independent and individualitic, people are finding themselves identifying with groups and being not as happy. in a way, all this individualism is for happiness right. but if we arent being that, then what is the point?

discussing god is such a strange thing. there cannot be a discussion on faith can there be?
can two people discuss the concept of faith and come to some kind of a conclusion on it. especially, if they hold differing views on faith in the first place.
or like socrates and plato, is discussion more about bringing the other person to our point of view by putting forward arguments which are based on his/her statements and then using them as a base to draw a corollary?
one which forces the other person to either differ on a fundamental issue or on his/her belief.

i think discussion in the form which used to happen in plato's time( would that be the platonic era?!!) are really not possible these days. primarily because battle lines are too well defined today. and secondly, since egos are uncaged animals now.

the vagaries of nature, bring me to this stature.
just a thot. hey. u have fun.
the guitar is going to wake up the neighbourhood tomorrow.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

things people say

so sometimes you gotta be like a girl. there is i think too many things we just dont do becoz they are girly and hey, they sometimes are a lot of fun.
its important to stop categorizing. not as a rule, but as often as possible.
what is, and what is not.
what is, is.
sometimes i can be profpund at all times of the day. the truth is, that is what i am. its not profound. its just some thought.
just that i dont need to get onto a lectern to start thinking. ofcourse, this statement has to be viewed in isolation.

to those people ( i know there arent , but still) who are first time visitors, blogs are increasingly becoming personalized messaging devices to people whom we want to send out messages to. this does not, however, expressly state that this blog, infact, does , or does not contain any such information, activity or propoganda( i guess this word will get me into the CIA's monitoring program- if they still have indians(read- the brains) to monitor the net!

i have become so opinionated that hell, i sometimes scare myself.

things i want to do

or somethings that go on in my head in the course of a day. we al have brains and we all us them. just that some of use them and feel good about it, and others just use them.

go to estonia
read ulysees in one sitting
have a month off just to photograph stuff
have my camera record all those moments that i see all day, and wish i could record them
go trekking again( and not get almost killed this time)
publish another magazine
bring out another newspaper( and make sure it runs atleast for a year)
go to alanis morrisette's concert( i think she is SO wannabe-ingly cool)
make a cabinet for my computer with my hands. with metal and plastic and a power drill. and have 3 fans in it to cool my system(it get svery hot these days)
read read read
play an electric guitar everyday atleast for 10 minutes and feel like god( creating good music, that way)
see a tiger at 3am in the wild 10 feet away again(yaya)
walk in paris and in cincinnati sometime
take a bike and go from chennai to goa(and back)
make a ad(cool one-like the one in my head which is almost visible)
go shopping with a girl
row a boat in a lake with dense trees around and blue skies and white clouds above
walk along a almost flat mud path in the mountains in the afternoon after lunch
sleep after having an interesting conversation

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

it looks cool from the top

deepening sky

lend me your ears

and i'll sing you a song, but dont mind if i am out of tune.

or something like that. this song from the 'wonder years' has been playing in my head since the last few days. and it is weird.
probably a call from my mental wild for some ear.
probably not. what utter rubbhisH!

its cool to leae space on your blog. like so.

its neat isint it. like u want to fill it with something. i think that is the cool bit.
so i was talking about putting my fotos on the net. i cudnt put them up on a major major space since i dont and wont (for some time) own a website. but they will be here.
its just the beginning i say to some. and to myself. so please forgive me. time is immemorial. fotos are not.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

deep inside you

music again.
this has become my religion in a way. the music of the world. the best talk to me service in the world.
listening to third eye blind which is just very smooth. i think this whole technology thing has really helped this world by making better headphones. the thing with technology is that it makes better listening devices!

Tuesday, August 19, 2003


there is just not enought music isint it is?
i am listening to the show must go on on my headphones and it just feels so good. the beat, which is so deep, the sound of the guitar. the voice. and the whole thing coming together. the tune. the words.

there is frankly, a lot of depth in music which i never knew about.

apart from music. i was seeing this mail about weather futures. i also heard that in india, commodity futures are going to start operating in some time. next month. somebody in the office was saying it will be a lot of money made in that.
i talk to a lot of people in the stock and shares market, and they dont really play a lot on the futures market. see, only if a lot of people play on the f&o market will it be well spread out so that nobody will be able to control the market and bring f&o positions to the stock positions they have taken earlier. unfortunately in india, the f&o market is controlled by some fii's of some indiviuals, who basically make sure the stock value tends to the f&o value over a period of time so their prices get justified and they are able to hedge both places!

okok. so this was a little heavy. this world is quite interesting. isint anything in which you can make money sitting on a computer!?!
hey. so i am planning on scanning my snaps witha little help from anand sometime this weekend. will put them up. i think some of them are pretty good.
so do i have anything else to say?
i do.
i dont believe in god.
i dont believe in destiny.
i dont believe in fate
i dont believe in you.

sometimes, it seems like a waste. sometimes, it seems like a cool thing.
this life.
sometimes, it seems like a drag. and sometimes, it drags you on.
hey, sometimes, you feel like jumping off the wall.
sometimes, you feel like taking off.
there are things that i dont understand.
there is a future i dont see.
i dont think i want to see it.
and maybe the day i see it, i will want to not see it.
tell me, do you really want to know how your life is going to lead and end?
is it too difficult to decide what is just enough for me?
is it too difficult to figure out the balance?

there is just one fundamental thing.
let me not believe the world shud be from my point of view.
but let my point of view be shifting.

i ask the lords of the internet just this!!!!
i have never asked you for anything my lords.
just-e grant me this wish.

Monday, August 18, 2003

green eyes and golden hair

how do they manage to have such beautiful eyes and such golden hair?!

makes u wonder.
is it becoz they have that type of stuff on them and we have been told that it is 'that' which is beautiful, that we think it is.
it is definetly that. i made up a line.
congnizance is the result of initial stimulus.
it is.

Sunday, August 17, 2003

strange woman

mia farrow

in the end it boils down to it. dosent it.
money. the lack of or not of it.
it is strange. the ever twisting up cycle of needs and money. the better cell phone. with more features. the bigger tv. the better sound system. the cool guitar. the new car. the bigger toaster. better perfume for the girl. bigger, better. i am sure it needs to stop in the mind.
impress, compete, indulge, reward yourself. there must be a better way to live than that. this way sucks.
the reason behind the madness in the mind has to be found out. we fill up our lives with work so we dont feel bored and so we dont find out that we arent of much significance in the bigger construct of the world. but its so important, this one small little life that we have for ourselves. just so little time, and so many things that can be done. its important, very much, to give it meaning. to think for ourselves. to do for ourselves. to plan, chart out. move our butts.

hey, i am just doing my job. and if you show me any of that juris'dick'tion crap, you can cram't up your ass.

reality is. its so beautiful this life, that it makes me want a lot more. each moment is fully lived. and thought over, analyzed. for its beauty. not its cruelty, or its ugliness. (thats there). but hey, isint the slow motion cool. laughable. insightful. beautiful. everything matters. not to somebody else. to me. i think that is a very good reaosn to care about my life.

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

they just play

so it seems.
i want to play the guitar too. u know. but it will take some time before i can get one, like maybe a month or something.
than,i have to learn how to play it.
today, i have fever. there, sed in a flourish. whenever i DO have fever, i think abot doing thigns like writing poems or composing music and so on. or writing a book. i even got a cool title in my head which i have forgotten now.
such, as i hve always sed, is life.
other thots in my head are about a lot of things. i want to photograph some really cool things. like, i have the images in my head, but i dont have the people to do them, or the props, or the sets and so on.
sadly, in the present state of my life, i willbe unable to do allthat.
on a happy note, the first few snaps came out well.
people who have lots to say, dont do it with their eyes

Thursday, August 07, 2003

a whole new world

frankly, i dont have much to rite here.
there are lot of things in my mind alrite, but not much i can rite here. for variety of reasons. one of them being that there is just so much of it which is not quantified or is not really going anywhere.
like this whole thought.
hey, whoever is readin this. call on the fone.
then we will talk.
there is a new world somewhere always

this is the thot in my head.
thor and thunder. very very frightening.
what is the mening of a life which is just going on?
maybe i need to find the point when i can move on. or maybe i need to not go from one point or life point to another.

the formula that the formula dosent work mite just be rong, what?
each his owm, whats for me? wat?

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

long ritten thing

this shud have come in a long time ago, then, it shud have come in last nite, but now, it is coming in today.
all becoz the internet connection isint good enuf.
i could rite a lot of things here and it wouldnt have the same meaning for you as it would to me. it would be out of context, u see.
the weekend was good. we all had a good time in the evenings. the day, is, as usual spent trying to understand many things and trying to not involve myself.
i am feeling very disconnected from everybody these days and am planning on a number of things. lets see.

Saturday, August 02, 2003

i got this

i am the proud owner of a canon eos rebel 2000. in some time, i will show u some pictures that i have taken with it too.

Thursday, July 31, 2003

sage and onion

this was the first time that someone put water into a half filled glass of sprite. and then when pointed out, emptied the contents and bought back half a glass of sprite!!
man, the place serves ok food, but the service is really bad. for those who arent living in chennai and who dont know about S&O, feel blessed.
i also found out today how tough it is to get a credit card. after a million questions which the people asking them have no idea why they are asking, the credit card people finally tell me that they need a lot of things more....i then give them a letter basically detailing half my life, and now, probably, they will give me a credit card!
life is pretty tough in the capitalist era. frankly, the model dosent make sense. enjoying supernormal profits for providing a serivce is not part of the game. normal profits are probably what would enable one to live comfortably and would be in tune with welfare economics. but the capitalist philosophy believes in this reverse robin hood system of working. which puts me off.
so to speak.

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

the movies we see

and the things we want to do.
the art that we think we like,
and how far we are from it.
its all about choices they say.
and isint it not really the choices.
but the decisions made by society
of what your choices really are.
the guy is cute, really

i never thot i wud say this about a guy whose on the right side of heaven.

Monday, July 28, 2003

talking about things
today, we had a discussion about many things. i think i am finding out that the reasons for harbouring ideas about something are based on assumptions that one makes. however, it is very importat to question assumptions all the time. i think i need to do that all the time in my life. however, i think it will become increasingly difficult to do that after a certain age and knowledge. u have to let go of too many things. and accept too many other ones.
but will try anyhow.
take a stand

click here to sign a petition for making sure that politicians disclose all information about themselves in india.
so that we can vote for the right guy.
and please do vote. its about your choice. and about your country after all.

Saturday, July 26, 2003


For sale is hate
For sale is oil
For sale are nukes
For sale are lies
For sale is truth
For sale is freedom
For sale is slavery
What about love?

man. i just had a fight

its isint nice to be in one. but the truth is, there isint any better way to work out some middle ground. a little give and take thing. u know.
at work, now, things r getting hotter. i have lot of responsibility, and therefore, lot of work. dont know if i can handle it.
lets hope i can. because if i cant, it will mean a number of things.

Thursday, July 24, 2003

the movie is great

north by northwest has probably got one of the best shooting sequences i have ever seen. the plane scene is just amazing. it is dont with such candour, that u dont realize that time has passed by. the whole movie for that matter is do seamlessly put together, it is a delight to watch it.
one thing though. there is a chronological clause in the movie. ie, the movie's title for example will be undestood by people who know about northwest. and northwest is dead)or, if it isint, it will be)
i think movies need to have a kind of universal theme to it. like ran by kurosawa explres just the feelings of trust, loyalty and betrayal. among other things. and somehow, that movie is more global than somehting like north by northwest. inspite of it being jap.
i want to see the movie go
i have eard that it is good.

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

i am not riting tonite
dont feel like. again, as i sed yesterday, i have a lot of things to say, but i dont think i have the energy to mete it out. that plus, i dont think there is any point in putting it down here without me actually thinking about everything in more detail. which i am unable to do.
i watched north by northwest tonite, and it was goooodddd!

Monday, July 21, 2003

eat your heart out

that comment above is jsut to draw your attention to this line.
i must say though, that billairds is a really cool game. i went and played billiards with papa today and it was lots of fun. i wish i am able to play as often as possible. it will take some time to get the hang of the game and all that, but it is fun. thats what counts, right?
my work takes up a lot of my time. sometimes i think that it is taking too much of my time. but i dont think i will be able to live without it. i am getting used to the day passing working. and the nights passing sleeping.
so, whats left?
i hope i get a breather sometime in sometime.
i dont need one right now, but ya, in some time i will.
i saw to kill a mocking bird, and it is a wonderful movie. however, i felt it dosent rival the book. somehow, i havent found a single movie which has been able to rival the book it was made on. strange, isint it?
now so much actually. the book lets us be the directors, and hell, we are the best when it comes to making up stuff in our own minds.
i had so many things i wanted to rite about. but now, i just want to go bak home ( i am in a net centre) and sleep in some time after listening to some black sabbath.
those two lines from the earlier post, are from the conversation. the movie was wonderful , and the way the actress sung the lines was just very beautiful. i can find out who the actress is, and what she looks like and all that, but heck, what r u for?

Thursday, July 17, 2003

the net is down

the robin is bob, bob, ...bobbing along...

i got a dvd player. and i took membership in a dvd library, so life is nice these days. though i dont have the net, so its kinda dicey.
no net, is like no water. in a way.
i mean, no net, as an eventuality would be ok. but no net as a temporary condition is killing, isint it?!
thats true for all things, u know. if u read carefully.
ha. the philosopher.
conversation, the movie was good. not coppola's best, but good. i think apocalypse now is his best. the movie is so stark, and the point it drives home is so well said.
i think my favourite movie of all times is matrix, and then fight club. both of them look at the trouble of our lives. stereotypes, a mass standardization of humans, and how to break out of it. very interesting would be the comparison between the two movies (yoda style).

Sunday, July 13, 2003

i dont understand this

the man who sold the world

We passed upon the stair, we spoke of was and when
Although I wasn’t there, he said I was his friend
Which came as some surprise I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone, a long long time ago
Oh no, not me
I never lost control
You’re face to face
With the man who sold the world
I laughed and shook hishand, and made my way back home
I searched for form and land, for years and years I roamed
I gazed a gazley stare at all the millions here
We must have died along, a long long time ago
Who knows? not me
We never lost control
You’re face to face
With the man who sold the world

i dont understand what he is trying to say. maybe i need to put in some more time, but i dont have that. so.
if anyone out there knows,lemme know.

tonite, at the beach, the almost-full moon was peeping out of dark broken clouds and if you looked up, the world looked like one huge imax theatre. massively huge. curving, expansive. it was so beautiful. i hpe we hang on to till for a long time.

Saturday, July 12, 2003


my favvvvourite cartoon

i think the 'there is depth' thing is pretty corny

isint it corny? i think so now. its ot in very good 'vipulian' taste to be honest.
anyway. big deal. a blog is an anonymous place where everything is maaf(maaf= pardoned)
the problem is that i am not anonymous on the web. u see, everybody who reads this blog are exactly the people whom i dont want them to read. and the people who dont read are the people who shud.
its one of those things i cant change. like the taste of some perfetti bubblegum.
such, is the state of life.
workworkwork tomorrow. yeah. yeah. i know. its saturday. so, what?!

Thursday, July 10, 2003

interpretive wisdom

the girl down there is madhubala. for all those souls without cognizance of the fact that she is.
i just thot about her, and her look appeals to me. i have heard that she had a very tragic life. i picturize her in a white dress with a cigarette in her hand. somehow, that is the only image of her which rings true.

i had a thought this morning on a bike. that it is phenomenally difficult to recreate life. almost impossible to show it in the exact fashion it happens. in fact, the natural canot be imitated. because it ceases to be that once it is imitated.
simple isint it?
i bet there is no way to exactly stage 2 people walking towards each other. 2 strangers, without looking at each other, but choosing their paths.
on the work front, it is cool. i have got my targets now, and they are tough to get but interesting to pursue.
i got my daily target today, though i doubt i will be able to continue that.

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

beautiful eyes

there is depth

Tuesday, July 08, 2003


i hate the word, but somehow, the way it has come to be defined, it encompasses everything. like some fungus.
how do i get some 9 guys to double business in one month?
and how so i make 4 guys who have 4-6 yrs of experience in the 'industry' listen to me?!
such and other mundane questions go thru my brain.

Monday, July 07, 2003

the vastness of the photo is all upto you

Sunday, July 06, 2003

powerful music

i am listening to the matrix reloaded cd and it is really powerful stuff!
plus, it is all on the headphones and it really gets into you. if i want, i can draw some thing out of it. ha. just kidding. music is music. period. i think we should understand the power and beauty of music but not get waylaid into the bigger issues, of spirituality, of anger display and all those things, when it comes to music.

hell, this post dosent make any sense.
just to give you an idea of the kind of stuff that goes on in a head when listening to matrix reloaded.
que sera sera

what will be is what has been.
as time goes by, there are more and more patters emerging out of the whole deal.

predictability increases as interaction goes up.
somebody once asked me how the hell i come up with lines like the one above?!
but i think it is just some kind of crystallization of thought. what i put here has been thought over to some degree. though i must admit that over the last 6 months or so, i have become increasingly formal in my thinking. and there is more and more logic governing my thoughts. i dont think that is really good. because if you are logic based, then you are also very predictable. the beauty of humans is that we are able to beat the machine by using machines. infact, look at the jedi concept. the reason they are able to beat the machines and are more powerful than them, is becasue of their leaving logic behind and acting on instinct.
kind of like the principle of agere contra. where action is based on the least likely course. kind of anti-logic.

Thursday, July 03, 2003


time and again, i tell myself not to go out in the rain.
its all wet, and if u arent, some godforsaken vehicle makes u wet.
such, is life.
i am going back to madras. i like madras better than chennai. damm, the word chennai just dosent sound good.
i will be there for about 4-8 months on a stint from my company trying to sell stuff. and i am going to start from the bottom. the thing is, next time someone approches you for something to buy, it just mite be me, and so please give me a patient hearing. buy me some coffee if u have time. i just mite be sleepy.

frankly. life is going to be pretty hectic for the next whatever months. i am thinking of 7 day weeks. i wudnt mind it actually. takes my mind off many things i wish i wudnt be thinking about. but which just dont go away.
life is such a complaicated thing, that it is almost impossible to analyze it. there are just too many variables. and most of the times, i think the people with instinct and the ability to act on them will be the ones who will have a good life. i hope i am able to do that. beating analysis takes out the whole factor of varibility.

so what is the one thing on my mind. my behaviour. and the whole thing about why i do behave the way i do, and should i be bothered. and if i shud not be, am i willing to make an ass of myself? and if the ass thing goes on for a substantial time period, how ok is that for me?
such and other useless questions take up my time.
see, this is exactly what i am talking about.

Saturday, June 28, 2003

hi again

your faithful computer chronologer is bak. with a vengeance. ofcourse, nobody will understand the relevance of that line since it is being said out of context. but, believe u me, it has lot of meaning!

so another day bites the dust, and i go to club9 at 11pm in the nite. i mean, we are all going to go in some time. soon. lets see what that gives. the music there is really good. really.
tommorrow is sunday and hopefully, a chilled out day.
things are getting hectic what. i like life like that. but i dont kow for how long. i had a shower tonite at, what, 1030pm. hell. probably will burn out soon this way.
that, plus what all crap goes on in my mind.
its all been done.

Friday, June 27, 2003

Breathe, breathe in the air.
Don't be afraid to care.
Leave but don't leave me.Look around and choose your own ground.
Long you live and high you fly, and smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry, and all you touch and all you see, is all your life will ever be.
Run, rabbit run.
Dig that hole, forget the sun,
And when at last the work is done
Don't sit down it's time to dig another one.
For long you live and high you fly, but only if you ride the tide, and balanced on the biggest wave
You race towards an early grave.

this song has a lot of meaning. look into it.

simulacra my foot

hey. so i am bak again.
i talked about the concept of simulacra and simulation and the whole what the heck are we doing on this planet and not really enjoying it theme, and in the process, freaked everybody out with the idea.
now that i look at it, shit. what the hell was i thinking about.i was trying to explain a concept that has taken a lot of thinking to analyze and understand to an audience that hadnt been exposed to it 5 mins!!!
well. i deserved the kinda looks that i got (which were, what the heck are you talking about!), and the feedback i got on the presentation. well, the day went well though. it was interesting. and on top of it, it was a little bit of fun too.
i got myself some b&l contact lens. i think i look a little better now. though i really dont know. hell, i can atleast wear goggles now! though i dont see myself doing that though. but still.
the reasons are there, arent they? its how u understand them, and then comprehend and act on them.
so, i said earlier in the day....what is the whole deal? its all one big circle of lots of big lies rite?
sad, isint it, that we take over 5000 years to figure out that all the objective truths got left behind. way, way behind.

things spoken out of context only complicate things. and put people off.
but, then, is there really any true context?


so this whole world is make believe and so there is no objective reality. in a way, that kinda thought only nicely saves the author of that thought from any analysis. since any such thing would only lead to what can be called 'overanalysis', it therefore reinforces that theory, and thus, the overanalysis thus becomes proof of the theory.
silly, aint it?
well, such is the world we live in. where everything is overanalysed to death, and then discarded as just that, overanalysis and thus, concluding that it is redundant.

Saturday, June 21, 2003

going to the movies again

i am going to see the matrix reloaded again. i think its a good film. not as good as the first one, since the cats kinda out the bag, but almost as good. ofcourse, technically, they have done lots more things. the fight scenes are amazingly done and the code is shown with more clarity and more beautifully. i guess they finally figured out how it realyl looks like inside the matrix.
beyond the movie, is i think where i shud be looking. i have become a matrix fan a little too much, and heck, its just a movie right?!
but somehow, i am unable to get a grip on my life propoerly. for one, i think i am not enjoying myself too much at work these last few days. i get bored too easily. and since i think so, i am letting myself actually get bored faster.
beside that. nothing else is happening. i wish sometimes that something would happen, and sometimes that something
would'nt happen. but i really cant control that can i.

so, to my friends who are mixing & matching & plotting destiny - inspite of whatever is mapped, only you will decide the direction that you will take. & it might work, it might not. do not look back to see if decisions are good or bad. they are responses of the moment - the best responses we can think of at that time. later, we might respond differently.

this is from the sixth artist. and i think thats kinda the thought i am thinking.

Friday, June 20, 2003

johnny english

i just saw the movie and it really is funny..ofcourse it is predictable and all that, but it still i quite funny. and natalie imbruglia looks so cool in the movie!
and guess what, she has a tatoo of an om on her butt!
should that be offensive religiously?
or is it right as the om technically does not have any religious connotation. that is, atleast, not to a specific god as such.
thats debatable and arguable. the fact is, it looked good

and she looks good

Tuesday, June 17, 2003


this is a post on the movie. its interpretation is i think best left to the experts. one of the things that i understood from the movie was that simulcra and simulation (the book) has a lot of role to play in the movie. the idealogy of being able to predict thought process and accordingly modify choice sets which are available to allow the participant to reach only one conclusion is just beautiful. i mean, we are not able to predict because of variables whihc are either random or are not defined. like emotion. and random ones are not predictable because their probability is low it is difficult for a computing environment to analyze every probability.

however, imagine a computing environment which is able to counter both points. not only because of the scale of the system, but also because of its ability to intuitivly learn from previous encounters. that system can easily run down each and every probability and also account for emotional responses and accordingly give a tunnel of choices. i think that is what the matrix is all about.
however, think about responses which are not predictable even to yourself. only that emotional responses would not be understood. and those will b the clincer. right?!

Sunday, June 15, 2003

simulacra and simulation

i got the name rong on a post sometime back. i hope nobody minds.

this is what it is about
and suddenly, its inclusion in the matrix makes all the sense. thats all i have to say.

Saturday, June 14, 2003

On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

a sufficient post

so i finally met anita. anand, she and i had lunch at only parathas. its a pretty good place ....and well, the parathas are excellent.

i asked her how she manages all the blogs that she does, and i think she sed its not so difficult. i on the other hand, am finding it very difficult to update even this modest place. a lot of times ofcourse, i dont have opinions. but whenever, i do, they are either philospophical, or just plain corny. i dont really know if people dig that kinda stuff (?)

a big bunch of us went to this place called club 9 last nite and came bak only at 2am!....however, i saw that a lot of the people over there just werent enjoying the place. i mean, far too many of the guys and the girls werent having fun. they were looking here and there, just making conversation. u know, they have this look in the eyes, that they would rather do something else. but that something i dont think they know what it is.
so they end up at club 9.
i hope i dont end up like that. i really had fun..the music was excellent...all kinds of stuff....floyd, duran duran, hip hop stuff, and then dance...and also some 80's stuff.
neat place. we will go there again the next weekend!
i dont think blogs need to be autobigraphical. in fact, an autobigraphical blog of a person having a stable life would frankly not generate enough traffic. (ofcourse, the assumption here is that the objective of a blog is to generate traffic!) blogs on generaic issues would probably generate more traffic.

i wont be discussing my professional life here. its not needed and it could affect some people later on, if i continue this. and no point getting into it, if i am not continuing it, rite?!
it will be restricted to talk about ideas, conflicts and interests.

and i will question assumptions of mine always

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

day 3

so its was all about the product today. it was interesting. no doubt about it.
however, i am thinking of some other higher things. like, what is the meaning of a line from infininty?

seen from an infinint perspective, any object is just a point. so, nothing really has a third dimension what?!
hmm...not really. it would be impossible to get to an infinite perspevtive. and hey, what about it being there?
that itself is defined by humans, isint it? since we cannot define something ad infinitum, we call that somehting infinite.

the matrix got banned in egypt. what i say is that there are some pretty screwd guys watching it over there to get the whole symbolism and the whole meaning of the movie and what it portrays. damm, this is pretty interesting! i mite be seeing it this weekend. i hope to give some commentary on it after that at some point of time.
i want to read simulcra and simulation primarily because of the matrix connection. in fact, i got to know about it through the matrix only. though i have no idea of what the damm book has!

so, today was the extended party at job. tomorrow, we will be seeing the vision, and the makers of it. at thier place of berth.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

a whole different place

the whole world i guess is not how i had always thot about it.
it isint, i know. but still.
so. today we had information about the products about the company. it was interesting. it wasnt immersive, but was interesting.
and plus, this is a mind thing. this service sector. the product is made in the mind. which is very exciting.
isint it?
and yet, it is kinda being sold as an fmcg thing. almost. not really, but almost.
the people are all different. there are 2 cute girls. i dont know how they are though. havent really talked to them. dont really want to right now. the guy group is pretty good. the place we are staying in, is pretty cool though. very very slick infact.
thats about it. everybody is studying and i shud do the same.

Monday, June 09, 2003

first day at a company

the important lesson is, its a different world.
nothing else. lets see what happnes later. right now, i am not going to be judgemental.
its difficult to rationalize business in a way. especially competetive business. but i think it will happend somehow.
as one of the mt's sed, tomorrow is a new day.

Sunday, June 08, 2003

early mornin

its 6 am and the light throught the closed windows has a very delicate colour to it. its just a yellow glow coming in. its looking very good.
so i am up and it is a new day. sleep can be a very good thing. i got up on my own, inspite of putting wakemeup on the comp to well, wake me up!
i got up about 10 minutes before the alarm went off. strange, how our internal clocks seem to work all the time. all these days i was getting up at 11 in the morning and now, just boecz i have to go today at 830 am, i get up automatically at 6am!
cool, aint it!
the earlier quote about the box of grenades is either from to kill a mockingbird, or from some other place. i am hoping everything turns out just fine. this optimism in me, is the only thing taking me through all day and night. life could have been a lot better, but right now, it is good enough.
life is like a box of grenades. you never know when one will go off
going to bombay

bombay becons. almost like a beacon. but what is the meaning of this moving on. and how far can i run from everything. sometime i will have to slow down. or i will be only with myself. i had thought about writing about a lot of things today. about decisions, about the future, about time travel. and i cant bring myself to rite about any of them. somehow, this whole blog just cannot reflect the kind of thoughts which go on in the head. and though we can kid ourselves about putting in our head in this place. the fact is, inside our minds there is so much going on, and of such complexity, that sometimes, we can just feel our thoughts. not be able to rite them.

being with myslef however, dosent frighten me. what does, is that someday, its going to be too much.and i wont be able to rationalize or give meaning to my life. i think for now, bombay will suffice. but sometime later. i dont know.
the light in my eyes went a little dim tonite.

Saturday, June 07, 2003

beautiful just beautiful. ummua!


so i dident go to bombay. we were trying to get my ticket confirmed, and well, it did not happen. so i fly on sunday morn. i reach there sometime before or around noon. get to know everyone. and then let the games begin. i am thinking of making this place into a information site for people to know how a management trainee feels the first few months in the company. i dont kow if that will be allowed (1), plus, i dont know if someone wants to know.

so if you(haha) think this can benefit you, please let me know. or, pls let me know. i like the smaller pls instead of the whole damm word.
first entry. call load rec ops.
still in chennai. havent been able to get to bombay. will be there on the sunday.

call load rec ops unload.

corny as hell!

is the ability to resolve conflicting arguments.

we were discussing the concept of fraud and how easy it is in todays world where nobody really checks on signatures and the petrol guy will take your debit card, and charge it and bring it back to you in some time. all that time it is out of your eyes, and well, he could have bought some pepsi with it. hey, its possible rite?!
so why doesnt he do it. its so much moral insanction that he just doesnt want to go into all that trouble.he might lose his job if there is a complaint. he might be arrested. hell, even the shop he buys the pepsi probably wont give him the pepsi cause they will probably know him. there are just too many checks.
guess thats why we are so trusting. because of the society inbetween.
remember this guy?

google services

i have been looking for the google bar for SO MANY DAYS and i finally found it here

that, and a few more nifty google thinggis.
hey, did u know that u go to google even if u clicked here?

Friday, June 06, 2003

zonkboard !

i am thinking of having a zonkboard on this site.
kinda stupid really...nobody really comes here.
but hey. still!
just couldnt believe this

i read this on the marijuana site.

A far superior experiment by the National Center for Toxicological Research (NCTR) involving 64 rhesus monkeys that were exposed to daily or weekly doses of marijuana smoke for a year found no evidence of structural or neurochemical changes in the brains of rhesus monkeys [6, 58]. Studies performed on actual human populations will confirm these results, even for chronic marijuana users (up to 18 joints per day) after many years of use [8, 9, 10, 11, 12]. In fact, following the publication of two 1977 JAMA studies, the American Medical Association (AMA) officially announced its support for the decriminalization of marijuana.

and i had to find out if this was true or was this site just cooking it up.
so i checked. here it is. not exactly what this guy is saying, but the american medical association is asking for it be be no longer taxed.

weird isint it. hey, again, since people who know me personally read this site. i swear on all the music i love. i avent ad any!

smoking up

people say that smoking marijuana is really dangerous. is it more; than smoking a cigarette?
so what will it be, the rette or the weed?
find out yourself here. some myths dispelled.

hey, atleast, dope is more natural.
just for the record, i havent ever had any. it just takes you out of control, and well, i am control myself freak.
but if you must must dope, hey, do it with company which is mature enough to tell you when to stop. and dosent push it down your throat. but, hey, really. just dont dope, what.
free bird
my favourite song

If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be travelling on, now,
'Cause there's too many places I've got to see.
But, if I stayed here with you, girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.

Bye, bye, its been a sweet love.
Though this feeling I can't change.
But please don't take it badly,
'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame.
But, if I stayed here with you girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you'll never change.
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.
Lord help me, I can't change.

not logging in!

msn messenger is not signing in!
i hate slow internet connections.
some people say blogs are boring, mundane accounts of daily life. they are, arent they!?

Thursday, June 05, 2003

been talking to a old friend from loyola. pratyush. hes doing fine. lives near where sean connery has a place.
is planing on doing a phd. doc prat. that would be cool really.
loyola was frankly, the best time of my life. i got out of my home in loyola. and it was great.
a lot of my growing up happened there. lot of innocence. then IMI happened and i saw the ugly part of life.
it keeps going on. i keep growing up. and parts of my life seem almost unbelievably beautiful and just as far away.
and they keep becoming almost like a dream sometimes.
this is what i want

ATI Hercules Radeon 9200 128MB Tv-Out/DVI

hit your boss day.

this one is gory

gig place

this one is so classic. i wish someday i will be making some poster like that out of the blue.