applegeeks

some kind of power

the world is just moving towards a destination
i am staying behind sitting on my side
the tv is on, and some song is playing
the worst bit is, i want the tv off.

my world is sometimes reduced to a room
and mountains and the tigers dont exist
talking to someone new is such a crazyily good thing
but it happens lesser and leseer now.

the world is starting to bore me
not because i am fast but cause it just too slow
something new has to happen soon
or i will be old

guitar is electricity

my guitar is giving out electricity....now, i am too young and too infamous to get electrocuted by my guitar, so if somebody has any answers, pls let me know.

its sad that this is happening...since i only some time back decided to getting back to playing it more regulalrly....and well, then it gives me the zings.
what ze hell.

i watched kill bill 2 last night....hritik roshan and his wife were also there, watching the movie. but the movie itself, was disappointing.
i think the only sequel ever made which is better than the first part is terminator 2. none other. maybe the aliens series as well. but every other movie, has fallen short. i think sequels need to be the next movie. not the next episode. a thin line of connection is enough. apart fromt that, nothing else.

it has to, like any other movie give a fresh idea. more so, infact. that i think makes a good sequel.

there were some amazing moments in KB 2. but somehow, the movie has become the directors private romance with movies and in the process, has not delivered itslef to the audience. perhaps, tarantino dosent really bother about the audience anymore...maybe it is about him. in which case, its just fine.

to rite in a hurried manner is to not rite at all. that is what they say. as i am on the eve of watching kill bill 2 with soem friends and the super boss of the company, i cant but wonder why i am getting obsessed with jap stuff. is it the girls, or the language, or the gore? tell me, o learned one. or is it the mind control, or the calmness of japan. or is it just the myth of the whole thing?

myths are important arent they?

i grow heavy, in heart and body.
i grow ideas, that become bigger than me.
i shed my mind, without forming another one.
a cloud of smoke surrounds me, making everything hazy.
the beauty of time is in its passing.
making the past precious day after day.
looking over the mountaintop is the luxury i am not having anymore.
the eagle is now only able to walk.

but it longs to fly.

parents

i think my parents are the damm best in the world....!

a lot of times, they think that we dont really think about them and that we dont appreciate what we are today, but the truth is, that feeling of being indebted for many lives is something i have only for my parents.

a lot of times, i have spoken to my friends about how much they mean to us and how much we mean to them. i think i have my parents figured out, and they are just the coolest people on the planet.

my mother is intelligent, calm and very insightful. she can read me and mu bro like a book and still let us have the day, cause we are after all, just kids!

my dad is quite a genius. hes also very calm, very knowledgeable, has stood by his principles against so many odds and has a really wonderful smile. he likes to play with us and the best times i have ever had have been with him.

its just wonderful having them in my life. fills me up you know. with emotion, with pride and lot of respect.

i needed to say this, thats all.

hey, mom dad, no comments on this one! ok?!! haha!

the world according to gripe

life is bad, the sea is rough
and the earth is shaking my lonely bed.
forests conspire and paper deliver
every coffee is made on a pyre
reasons are there, and the threats remain
sometimes i have to be wary, of that very thing
soon enough, the bread arrives
leaves me thinking of all the bad vibes
the jeep swerves, misses the cow
somewhere a man is shot, for not looking out
bombs explode, the earth shakes
it morning again, as my twin alarms make

look out, look out, there is a storm approaching
the sea turned black, and covered the skies
there are no birds and the spray is in my face
whenever the boat rolls, i am looking at solid granite
rolls of rain, hit the boat all the time
we are thinking what an exciting fun thing
it could have snapped, or i could have died
but i was collecting stories
for split second awes
exxagerated imagery and the movies we see
make a life threatening storm, just another coffee table story

searching for the meaning of it all

it is easy to lose oneself in this world. to not have an idea anymore of what you had set out to be. something that is not related to work or to what you want to achieve, but to what are called principles and belief. its easy to not miss them go away. its also very easy to find them too. but its difficult to let go of everything else.

my life has come to a stage where i am trying to decide what is the meaning of where i am heading. the current direction takes me on a road towards something i have not imagined myself on being. so, ofcourse, it is scary to realize that i am on the wrong road, and most of all, for onw big reason. that i dident find any other road. i guess i will have to make one meself. i have these days, however, become so tired to my own idealism that it is slowly becoming just hollow words. being an idealist will not help me at all. there have to some changes. i hope i am able to make them.

wish me luck, and keep seeing this place. if things go as i wish them to, then i might be typing here more often.

saw the map today

in a related incident, i saw the map of the north east and i then realized that my earlier claims of having visited itanagar and thus, one of the easternmost points in the country can now be revised to my current destination. it is so close to the border, that i get goospimples.

we(my collegue)-mind the spelling, and i started thinking about how it must be for the states even down under, tripura and mizoram, which are connected to the country only thru assam, which itself is pretty much cut-off.

we stopped near some tea gardens on the way to one of the industrial sites we were going to, and there were women picking tea over there. somehow, i think we have romanticized the whole thing. there isint anything very great about people picking tea. sure, they have baskets on the head and all that, but hell, they are just normal women.

apart from that, there was a red alert sounded a few days back in this area. the army has been reinforced and there is going to be a flushing of the militants in the area. (somehow, i am not at all comfortable with the word flushing). the militants, mainly the ULFA, have lately resorted to extortion from the tea gardens, rich merchants and the like to get along. rumour has it that the local commander of the ULFA has over rs.500 crores from such activites. you can raise a decent militia in that amount. but nobody is really bothered. now, however, the govt. is taking action and wants to close the chapter on these chaps. whose wrong and who is right, is anybody's guess, but i guess you just have to align yourself to what the media says, what?!

from the tip of assam

i hadnt realised that we are actually on the very tip of assam, and of the country. burma is not very far from here....

that does not mean guns, or border stories or stuff like that. it just is near the border thats all.

there are terrorists though, and it is something you cant forget here.....it is important to stay careful.

thats the situation. as always, i have lots of time to think and to mull. and that is a bad situation. not having to think gives me enough time to forget. but if time is at hand all the time, then how to forget?

hope things change double quick fast.
i keep thinking about dosas, and quick gun murugan, and cards with things written on it. pizzas, and italian food. things and other things.
music and video. shops and pretty girls. red dresses and white ones. jeans and shorts. things and thangs.

again from assam. or still from assam.

tea gardens never looked so good. over here, there is a lot of space, and most of it is green. its amazing how the sky here is blue and black and the earth is green all the time. its very beautiful. sleeping alone, the rain falling outside is very comforting. a steady downpour which makes the morning shine.

under all this, however, there is the compelling presence of the ULFA. the united liberation front of assam. driven from lower assam areas, they have set up base in these regions and mainly kidnap people for extortion. it is said that one of the commanders in this area has over 300 crores of rupees. mindboggling isint it?

there is constant danger. if you slip up, you lose your life. this isint something bombay prepares you for.

the beauty of this place almost makes you forget about that though. almost.

i have had some weird thoughts here. of writing. something i have been putting of for such a long time. of reading, which i am doing. i am also playing need for porsche on the laptop, and watching some hindi movies off and on. i hire them from the local shops. i am here till the 9th of july and might come back sometime later for some more days. but the strict pattern of this place gets to you. sunrise is at 4am, and it becomes quite dark by 5pm. work is from 7-3pm. and inbetween, lunch breaks and siesta times.

i still havent gotten over my past. its staying with me all the time. i have to push it away for it to go away. but it comes back, you know.
time for myself is something i had though i wouldnt have and thats why all this work, but here, while the rain falls, i think about the last couple of years and how things are going on now, and its strange. there is no pattern. its like i love punishing myself. not a good thing.

off to assam

i am going to a place called dublijan in assam for 3 weeks. there are huge oil wells over there, and i am going there to seel some our products to people working there.
seems a little weird when i say it like that. i never thought i would be selling anything.

either way, it should be a good experience. after bombay, i think it will be a very different pace, and beyond that, i hope we get something out of that place. lets see.
it is raining in india, almost the whole of it, and the feel is really good. it is beautiful and windy. i guess people in western countries dont really understand the concept of rain as a good thing. something that beats the heat and makes the earth smell good. the air is cleaner, and the roads glisten. thats not so bad.

i guess dublijan, being in assam, will be pouring. i have seen rain in guwahati and just when it starts raining, it looks like a solid sheet of water racing towards you from 10 kms away, and then crossing you and going on ahead. fun times would be being at the exact rain beginning point. one step to the left and there is heavy rain, and one step to the right, and it is dry like a dead leaf. funny aint it.
its fun too.

again, i visit my blog

this time, almost like a guest. i feel like that myself. i had come on the net somedays back oo, but forgot to even open the blog up. i wonder why anyone else would?
in any cas,e any hits these days would be just those accidental google hits. when someone wants to know about something and the word is here. hell. maybe to increase my hit rate, i should just put the dictionary here!

its not about hit rates is it? its about life and all that goes on in it. and then you hope that it is interesting enough to make people want to come back here again and again. not a bad reason to lead an interesting life. to fill up a blog.

as time is going on, i am finding myself reading the fiscal policy minutely and understanding rates and politics more than touching my guitar or reading pico iyer. i dont like that. i think i need to have both in good quantities. my quality of life definition requires equal quantities of guitars and RBI governers.
life, in its cruel manifestation, goes on!

i just love these kinds of lines: those with life,......, goes on types. with all kind of things occupying the dots inbetween.

like:

life,without a second thought, goes on
life,in its splendid obscurity, goes on
life,without any pity, goes on
life, relentlessly, goes on
life, for once, goes on
life, like always, goes on
life, just, goes on

you know, there are a million words trying to occupy the dotted space.
you fill the dots, or does someone else do that?

hastalavista (baby?!)

hi again

i almost have become a visitor to my own blog nowadays.
these days, i have become a visitor to my past, and a spectator to my future. strange, that feels.
i did something yesterday that i am regretting having to do, but something that had to be done to preserve whatever semblence of reality i might have wanted to maintain.

there are these 2 worlds, and i am stuck in a limbo. either of them dont allow me to move towards anything. like some kind of a magnetic force keeping me stuck. unable to comment, commit or move on.

work keeps me busy though. that is something i am trying to cling on to during the day. that and something else also.
other than that, there isint anything new happening around me. just the same things, each day is woken up to a reality which stings. but i hardly feel the sting anymore really.

lets see where all this goes. maybe to a future, or straight into my past.

hey

i dont these days write so much. the thing is, i am not so connected to the outside world, firstly, and the second thing is, i dont know if i have a whole lot of things to write about here anymore. i am finding that as i am increasingly getting into work life over the last one year, i am not able to find time to do those other things that made my life more colourful.

not that i am missing everything too much. i guess if i was, i wouldnt be doing all that i am. but sometimes i find myself wondering about the reasons for this work and for the money that keeps coming in every month end.

is this so that i can sustain myself and keep going back to work, or is for some future which is uncertain and therefore i should work for it? or is it just an incentive for me to not do those things that i want to do. like a bribe to keep myself here. strange thoughts i agree, but something i do think about.

there are, as always, no answers. just all this. as always, as in any post that embarks on an existential thought of mine, i am again at a loss for a conclusion. i wonder why?

reality

it does bite sometime. i am slowly realizing that the things that i am doing are not the things that i want to do for another few months also. this is just not done. i hope someplace or the other, i will be able to move into something which interests me and keeps me going for a long long time. what is going on right now is almost sublime. unreal. hope this is just a phase.

ATHENA

we were at athena last night. the entire group of people from my office. the place is wild. its the coolest disc in the city and we definetly had a lot of fun. the bill came to round about some 20 grand, which the company paid.

we got out at 5am in the morning, and got the morning train back to bandra.
i remain in bandra though for another couple of months. my posting is here.
the place had very cool bose speakers, and the music is mixed by dj akeel. hes pretty famous, i heard. the music was very well mixed. english and hindi, and some punjabi all together. the crowd was fantastic. the women were wonderful (though i dident know anyone there!)

had a very good time.
and to more nights like these.

the horoscope theory

i was talking with a friend about horoscopes. i think there is something very interesting in that. when i started seeing my horoscope initially it never used to match. however, now it does, as i have become more regular. i think thats because now, my life is moulded to my horoscope. atleast, subconsiously. we tend to read it, and then make our lives fit the pattern of the horoscope, thereby making it true which makes us want to believe more and more in it.

so the best thing is to not see them at all. becasue if you are, you are the victim of a control function. an external one influencing your life. a faceless god, in a way.
i guess making patterns for life leads to them ocming true if there is faith. and since there is faith, we believe everything to be true which leads to it becoming true.

isint life just hell?!

hey, i am happy these days!

pico iyer

his book, cuba and the night has a remarkable line. i dont remember it exactly, but its something like this:

when people are not dependable, the one thing to hold onto are principles.

i think i am like that. i have seen in the last one year, that dependability is something unknown in most parts of the world. principles, can be the only guiding star. a good one, at that.

move on, move on.
dont wait for the stars to fall down.
look below, the earth has gone ahead
you're standing on the vacumm inside your head.

i am at work on a sunday, and its not so bad really. its quiet, simple. not like everyday.

the long and winding road

its the end of the road sometimes. this isint one, but sometimes it seems like one.
the abstract nature of my being has become me. life is suddenly without meaning. floating images here and there. without purpose, or thought. everything reminding of the past, or of the future. playing out in my head, sometimes all i can see is myself exactly how i am now, 10 years from here.

thats not good. the same chair, the same wall. just a different place. the same thoughts, and the same eyeball reflecting. the shine which used to be there, i heard had gone out. everytime i try to ressurect it, i am doing something else. till focus snaps in, and reality bites.

the requirements of my life are sometimes things that are so romantic that they appear to be the figment of that romance. somehow, every thought that goes through my head has a theory somewhere about escapism. gradually, all the possibilities appear to be the things that i would like to do but never will get around to. just because they are just those possiblities that people like me try to reach out to. but shouldnt. or so some other theory goes.

a spiral which ends in nothing. one which just comes back to the same place.
what i would like to do, is exit...stage left.

I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee - high
So won't you try to come

Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you

to someone who knows this song all too well. i would like to do this.

pirouette in a red red dress
naked feet and open hair
make believe in my head.

step onto my toes
and we will dance all morn
till your daddy comes home
time for me to snap shut

feel loved say nothing
look into those deep eyes
see hope and fear
the future and the past

love is a hard thing
to get into
to trust someone with your independence

time has gone by.
life has thrown surprises
most of the things i loved are gone someplace
the beauty from my past carries me forward.
hope and fear mirror
my eyes close, to a day long ago
when all on my mind was to reach one place
meet you looking through the door

and have you pirouette in your red red dress.